People = shit (sometimes)

Why is nothing ever easy?! I'm so upfront and fucking blindingly honest, that I cannot understand why suddenly, out of nowhere, I am accused of being dishonest, secretive and generally cold. I don't even know why I'm writing this, because I detest the thought of everybody being able to read my mind, but I have to vent or I will go insane...

It's not even the fault of the people who get frustrated with me. Noodles thinks that people just get attached to me, and then hate the thought of sharing me with anybody else (he has admitted in the past to going through such trauma, and was especially, and understandably, upset last Saturday). Unfortunately, I have made the decision not to get into another relationship for a while and, thus, I cannot dedicate myself to just one person. I've spent the last few months learning to love being by myself again, finding myself again, and I'm not ready to give that up yet. There are two main reasons why I don't want to be in a relationship right now;

1. I'm going to Germany in March for six months, so what the fuck would be the point?
2. I love being single far too much!

Unfortunately, it's starting to become a bit too much for a certain person to take, which would be more understandable if I hadn't been so upfront about it from day one. The funny thing is that, even after knowing me for ages, a lot of people still don't seem to understand that I do not hold back when I have a problem. I am not 15 years old, thus I don't feel the need to give people the silent treatment, or send angry text messages, or guilt trip them, or try to "win" the argument. With me, no matter what anybody thinks, I am completely and utterly honest. If I am ever found to be lying or hiding the truth in any way, there is usually a damn good reason for it. For example, my parents will never find out the truth about my sexuality because it is something that I don't feel they need to know about. A lot of people would consider that dishonest, but I see it as necessary. If I end up with a chick in twenty years time, of course I will tell them. But for now, it's none of their business.

I am just so fucking sick and tired of being made to explain myself constantly, especially when the people I surround myself with take me for who I am, and vice versa, and because I genuinely am open and honest with them. I hate that certain people do what they like and expect me to be okay with it, and then turn on me because they don't like the way I'm living my life. I will never forget being told by someone I'd been friends with for years that I had changed and was a bad person. It hurt more that this person could be so fucking stupid than anything else, after knowing about what I've been through (not that that's an excuse for acting like an asshole, but I wasn't at the time either way). But anyway, I forgave that person because holding grudges doesn't make much sense to me...

The worst part about all of this bullshit that's currently going on is that it all sort of culminated today, and for the first time I realised how much simpler it is with certain people, how much easier things are sorted, and a part of me was wondering if it's worth the bother...because I don't know what more I can do... Still, I'm not ready to give up yet because I know who this person is and I know that, underneath it all, we connect...

Once again, I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I don't want anybody to read it and get upset, because I'm not trying to piss anybody off or take shots or anything. If I had been holding back, this would come as quite a shock, but luckily I haven't, so no matter who is reading this, it shouldn't come as any surprise that all of this is spilling out of me so freely...

Song of the day: Paramore - Decode (powerful and emo and brilliant)