I'll just start typing and see what I come up with

I wore a corset to college today and now my tummy kinda hurts... I couldn't really breathe for most of my one lecture, but I think it was worth it. My lecturer referred to me as avant-garde, which I'm not really but it was still nice to hear.

I've just been running in the dark, which is always fun (unless there's a big dude following behind at an unnaturally slow pace - man I hate that H2 trailer), but it was especially good tonight because of the light drizzle hitting my face throughout. I love this time of year. I hate the cold, but kicking through the leaves and wrapping up warmly and the feeling of Halloween in the air really get me going...

College has been ridiculously overwhelming this week. And last week. And, well, ever since fourth year started actually! It's not that I think I won't be able to get all of the work done, or that there's too much, or anything like that. It's more the pressure of having to come up with a million brilliant ideas all at once. We were given our media law assignment on Wednesday and I almost cried with happiness when I spotted that the lecturer had chosen a topic for us, because at least that's one less thing to worry about. I have a presentation on Monday morning auf Deutsch about two articles for our German magazine, the subjects of which I'm still undecided on. It just sucks because we're being marked on EVERYTHING we do. Urgh.. As for dissertation number one, I have a million ideas, none of which seem particularly plausible. And then there's radio. And TV. And the writing competitions I've taken it upon myself to enter. And the fashion magazine O has just launched. And a million little assignments along the way. I feel like my head is exploding sometimes. And yet, the days and weeks seem to be progressing so quickly... It's insane. I feel like I have nothing done, even though time is going by so fast.

This is final year, though. So I guess I should shut up complaining and get to work.

Or I shall continue blogging.

Speaking of which, The Irish Times Donald Clarke gave out about the use of "blogging" as a verb in his last Screenwriter column in The Ticket, so I feel maybe I should stop using it too. I don't agree with everything he has to say, but he nearly always gets it right. And he is very funny too. I'll get around to reading his blog whenever I feel like it. I was reading Ian O'Doherty's iSpy column online in an unnecessary lecture about research the other day and I felt like a traitor to the journalistic profession (I still love him though, even if he is hated and kinda shit sometimes).

I've had a pathetic excuse for a social life lately. My mother went away with her lovely boyfriend last weekend (to the same place Stephen Gately died - RIP my first celebrity crush) and I didn't go out once while she was away. Instead, the emo came over and he, my sis and I hung out all weekend watching movies and eating junk food. He finally got to give her the pic he drew of her and Bill Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel and she was absolutely ecstatic, placing it proudly next to her Bill shrine on the wall next to her bed. I dunno whether it's because he has a little sister the same age, but he gets along really, really well with her. She thinks he's a bit mental, but when he got a sort of moody one of the nights and I explained about his illness and the pills he's recently decided to take, she seemed to warm to him even more. I hope that one day she will have a freak of her own.

It was a great weekend, especially because he and I FINALLY got to sleep in my bed (which is far bigger than his) for once, meaning a lot of awesome sex all weekend and the obligatory bit of cuddling too (his idea, not mine). It was great. We went out for dinner on Sunday night to the Bad Ass Cafe, which used to be one of my favourite restaurants but has undergone a makeover and now kind of sucks. There was no spaghetti bolognese on the menu, for one. The portions are smaller and the prices are higher. We witnessed a druggie feud outside the window in Crown Alley (why is Doran's now called 3 Crown Alley!?) which was quite exciting, but also a bit nerve-wracking. I'll probably never stop missing the safety of Munich. Dublin feels very rough in comparison. Anyway, we both had burgers and chips, he a bacon and cheese, me just cheese, and it was all delicious and very filling. But overall I was kind of disappointed. There's a new "proper restaurant" vibe to the place that makes me kinid of uncomfortable. I might just be being picky though, because I love Wagamamas, Yamamori, the IFI, FXB's, Pizzas 'n' Cream (in Bray, but still), etc so much... Still, it was a great end to a great weekend.

I've been spending a lot of time with my good bud Dylan lately (who I've realised is more like Chris O'Dowd than Dylan Moran, but I'll keep the name regardless) which is fucking awesome because he's been so busy that we've barely hung out since college started back. He's finally found some chick to make out with on a regular basis, which is great for him because if anybody deserves somebody fantastic, it's him. I'm not allowed to meet her, though, in case I scare her away or seduce her. I've been over at his flat lately, which is smaller than my place in Munich but still grand nonetheless. Usually we drink red wine and chat about life, but last time I brought along Front (one of my fave lads' mags, they feature Vikki Blows a lot) and we gawked at hot chicks all night too, which was great fun. He always provides a new perspective on things, whether it's why I'm not going on the class trip (there's one big reason, I told L earlier in the week, one which I don't care to discuss) or when I'm going to finally be able to commit to the emo. I love hanging with him, I hope we can still do it when my brain starts exploding later on in the year. He always seems so calm, probably because he's so fucking good at everything he does. I get very jealous, but then I remember he's much more insecure than he lets on, and a genuinely nice guy (hard to come by).

Fuck this is a long blog...

What else?

I've been working out for an hour a day every day and I'm starting to see some serious results, which is fucking deadly.

I'm re-reading the Scott Pilgrim series again before the final part comes out.

I read Bryan Lee O'Malley's Lost At Sea this week and it was beautiful, if a little bit emo.

I'm itching for a new tattoo, but I can't afford one just yet.

I finally got to register the other day, which means getting re-acquainted with the library.

I got notice today that I'm getting my grant this year, which is a huge weight off my shoulders.

I'm feeling pretty fucking good most of the time, which is new for me but in a great way.

I probably have lots more to say but I can't remember right now.

The new Paramore album is amazing, I can't wait to see them in December!!



Song of the day: Placebo - Running Up That Hill (one of the best covers I have ever heard).

The feeling of having grown up somewhat

That looks like a pretty pretentious title, but bear with me because I just typed this up on the spot.

Last Thursday, I went out with my boys (and the Scoob) and got royally HAMMERED. I love my drink, as everybody knows. I love being drunk and out of my head and crazy. I love everything about it, from blurry nights out to random conversations and strange hook-ups that ordinarily would never happen. Asides from being sick at the end of it, it's better than drugs. Almost. Luckily, I haven't been sick from drink since Germany. Woo! I went into college the next morning hungover as fuck, doing the walk of shame like you wouldn't believe. Half the class were hungover, and as a result the tiny room we were in stunk of booze. But I was grand. My mother's boyfriend was over that night and clearly not impressed with my hard-partying habits. My mother even made me walk to the voting place as punishment (because in her eyes I'm a bit of an anarchist). The emo came over that night and cheered me up. It was a good day, all things considered. And the night before was EPIC!!

Although Thursday was one of the best nights out I've had in ages, there was an ever so slightly negative tinge to the proceedings. Star turned up, drunk out of her head, hand in hand with another girl who she then made out with graphically for the entire night while in close proximity to me. It was so blatant that there's no way it wasn't on purpose. And it just made it blindingly obvious to me how much she's changed over the past few months. And it's really, really sad. Anyway, I was ignored and thus made no attempt to speak to her. She was busy, after all. The next day, I got a text asking why I hadn't spoken to her. We fought a bit (which we never do) and she told me that things with us weren't "serious" which sort of broke my heart a little. Now we have to meet up and talk in person, which I really don't want to do. As much as I adore her, the negatives about the relationship are beginning to outweigh the positives.

Let's see... Almost all of her friends hate me. They all love causing drama, talking shit about people and taking ridiculous amounts of drugs. As exciting as it is to be a part of that world, I wouldn't want to stay there for too long because it just fucks with my already fucked up head. And that infamous mistake she made while I was away wasn't just a mistake, it was the mistake. Besides, if she isn't serious about me, what's the point?

I'll still go see her though. If it's over, it's over. But I don't want to cut her out of my life. Not just yet, anyway.

On Saturday, I accompanied the emo to a party in Greystones. It was this chick Ally's 21st and I wasn't exactly invited. Luckily, neither was Fionn (the emo's best friend) so I wasn't the only odd one out. Ally and her boyfriend Richard haven't always got the best impression of me. This is mainly because one of their closest friends is a girl, let's call her Beth (because of her love for Beth Ditto and striking resemblance to her har de har), who hates me and last summer spread rumours about me sleeping with Mewes (who tried and failed to speak to me on Thursday, fucking spa), amongst other horrible things, to put Star off being with me. She doesn't know me at all and yet has always had the worst things to say about me. I've never retaliated, because I know she's too much of a coward to say anything to my face. Needless to say, she is one of the druggy, bitchy set who Star surrounds herself with on a regular basis. She upset Frodo the other week, too, which pissed me right the way off because he is one of the nicest, most accepting people I've ever met. This guy took me in when I had no friends and made me a part of his group. He's the closest thing to a living saint and he's been through hell.

Anyway, Beth was there on Saturday and, about halfway through the night, I was informed (by a gay Frenchman no less) that she'd been talking shit about me all night. Having had great conversations with both Richard and Ally earlier on, I'd no intention of causing any kind of disturbance so I just ignored him. And then he started on about me and the emo, who was pretty drunk at the time and didn't exactly take it well. It was one of those ridiculously unnecessary situations where somebody tries to cause drama and stir up petty shit because he/she has nothing better to do with his/her time. And I know I'm an easy target for it, but that doesn't make it right.

Richard came over just in time to hear pretty much the whole thing, and Noodles later told me he was well impressed with the way I handled myself. I wasn't shocked, but I was quite surprised I have to admit. It's not unusual for people to assume that I'm the one causing trouble, purely because shit tends to be aimed at me. And it pisses me off. I would never go to a party, let alone one I wasn't invited to, and cause shit. I have more respect than that, no matter what anybody says.

Somehow, I managed to put that across and it was in that moment that I realised how much I've changed and grown up over the past year. I suppose I really did have to be completely destroyed in order to emerge stronger. And it feels fucking great.


Song of the day: Paramore - Ignorance (just got this album the other day and this song is great).