Shit, it's been a while since I updated this...luckily only my close friends and personal stalkers read it so it doesn't really matter! The whole business of blogging is kind of stupid, and a bit self-serving, especially if one isn't famous or even slightly well-known. I don't read many blogs, just my friends' ones and Hayley Williams', which is interesting and funny without being pretentious or irrelevant. It's becoming increasingly obvious to me that certain people, be they famous or otherwise, use blogs purely as a vehicle for their own self-promotion. Some of them do it in a completely upfront manner, in the vein of "I'm so great, my life is brilliant, all of my friends are gorgeous, look at my awesome SHOES!" while others think they're being clever by doing so in a self-deprecating way. I hate people who can't take compliments, who constantly put themselves down so that they get complimented MORE. I used to be one of them. It isn't cute and it isn't modest. If somebody says something nice about you, just fucking accept it and say thank you. Where was I going with that..? Oh yeah, some blogs are fucking stupid. However, sometimes I have serious blog envy. My bud O had an amazing one but now it's private (boo!) which is good because at least I don't feel like my blog sucks, but shit because I want to read her thoughts. She's an interesting person, a bit of a contradiction and a cliche, but she's cool. She's honest, for the most part, and I admire that in people. Too many people hide behind niceties and false smiles, when they're talking everybody down in secret.
Oh, right blogs. Yes, some are pretentious. Some incredibly so. Luckily, I don't waste my time reading those, just like I don't waste my time on people who are fake. Since I'm in my final year now, I only have two classes a week during which I have to socialise with the rest of the people in my college course. Most of them are fine, friendly, whatever. And I'm used to the fact that I'm not everybody's cup of tea. But I have to admit that I love that this year, a lot of the study and work I have to do is alone. I like the space that I have to think, and that I can choose what I do and when I do it. It's incredibly freeing. Of course, the downside to that is that I've been working myself to the bone doing both of my dissertations and my radio project. I love what I'm doing, and I know that it will be worth it in the end, but right now I'm just so tired all the time that I'm worried the rest of my life will suffer as a result. I have great friends around me, who understand the situation I'm in and make the best effort they can to see me when they can, but it still fucking sucks. I can't wait till this is all over and I can just hang out for a bit and be with the people I love.
So! I've been incredibly busy the past while, like I said. I spent all of last week doing interviews for my radio project, which basically involved sitting in tattoo parlours (and my favourite piercing studio in Dublin too) and chatting to tattoo artists about tattooing. I just used the word "tattoo" about a hundred times...oops... Anyway, it was really good fun and so interesting. I learned all about the Dublin tattoo scene and how it developed over the years, about the so-called cliques who believe either that those who are heavily tattooed have more right to be known as alternative than those who have only one or two, versus those who think each to their own and there's no point giving out about prejudice against those who are heavily tattooed if they're going to be prejudiced to those who aren't. It was, at times, a terrifying experience (not because of the subject matter, just because of interviewing in general), but it was hugely entertaining and enlightening also. Every time I got nervous or felt like I couldn't do it, I reminded myself why I chose to do radio this year. It was because I wanted a challenge, I wanted to do something outside of my comfort zone. After all, life is short. What's the use in being scared?
The different mentalities of the two cliques got me thinking about so-called alternative culture in general. I'm somebody who, even dressed in a simple white T-shirt and blue jeans, with no piercings or tatts or make-up or anything, still looks like a freak. It's who I am, the way I was born. Yes, my style has evolved over the years and the bodymod makes me look a bit weirder, but underneath it all, I'm still a freak. I always have been and I always will be. I know people who look perfectly normal and they are the weirdest people, the most alternative and interesting. Let's face it, it's pretty easy to dress or act a certain way, and get shit stuck in your face or whatever, but you can't fake being "weird" or, for want of a better word, "different". In one sense, I agree with one of the tattoo dudes I spoke to, who said that we should just accept people the way they are, whether they're covered in tatts or only have one, because that's their choice. I have five tatts but they're all small, so I'm certainly not claiming to be heavily tattooed or hardcore. So who am I to judge someone who only has one but is really proud of it? Then again, on the other hand, I almost got fired for having a tattoo on my back that was hidden the majority of the time. There is a certain taboo associated with tattoos. And stupid teenagers jumping on the bandwagon and getting tattooed does make it seem a lot less special. But, that's their choice too. I think bodymod will always be a subculture, and that's cool. But just because it's more mainstream now doesn't make it less special.
Being "alternative" (that sounds so fucking pretentious, but I don't know what other word to use) is, in itself, subversive. So trying hard to be alternative sort of defeats the purpose. But then, on the other end of the spectrum, there are those who try not to look at all out there, who claim that, in doing so, they are the most subversive and alternative of all. That I really cannot stand. I'm grand with people dressing "normally" or "alternatively" or whatever the fuck they want, but making a conscious effort to look or not to look a certain way so that you appear aloof, thus making you more out there is just fucking retarded. The fact remains, be whoever you want to be and fucking keep it real. Take emo kids, for example. They get a lot of shit because, although they look mental, they all dress the same, making them sheep. I don't see anything wrong with that, because soon enough they will learn, like I did, who they are and they will dress accordingly. Personal style is a powerful thing. A lot of people hate my personal style, but lots love it too. It's been defined many different ways, but being categorised isn't something I adhere to so I'll just leave it simply at "my style", whatever that is. All I know is, I always feel like me. And I never, ever try to look weird no matter what anybody says because trust me, if I was trying to look weird, I'd look a lot crazier. ANYWAY enough rambling. This is a difficult topic to discuss because everybody thinks differently about it, but let it be known that most people don't have to try to be weird, nor do they have to try to look like they're not weird so that they may be considered even more weird!!
What else have I got to write about... My life consists mainly of college work right now, which is pathetic but it's what I love so I don't mind. Luckily, I've still been making time to read and write and see the emo. Speaking of which, this is hands down the best relationship I have ever been in. There's no bullshit, no fighting (unless I take into account drunken fights about nothing that are later resolved with bouts of fantastic drunken sex), we're completely honest with each other, we have fun together, we talk, we're best friends, the sex is the best of my entire life, we make each other laugh, we're comfortable together, it's romantic... I could go on for longer but I won't because I don't want to sicken my buds who are reading this and imagining what happens in that crypt-like room of the emo's late at night... Seriously though, it really is a fantastic relationship. I don't know what I did to deserve somebody so great. Maybe it's just because I've grown up a lot in the past couple of years. The only other time I've ever been in love was when I was 18/19/20 and it almost destroyed me (although I wouldn't change a thing). But this is...different...and it's great. I think it might last a long time, and yet I don't feel the need to count. I surprised him with turtles the other day (adopted from a mutual friend, he's wanted some for aaages). He was shocked but fell in love with them after about two seconds. Their names are Optimus Prime and Megatron, after the awesome Transformers. They're so cool, I could watch them all day. It took a lot of planning, but it was worth it to see the look on his face. Seeing him happy makes me even more happy. I don't think I've ever got so much out of a relationship before, nor have I ever given so much of myself either.. That sounds corny, but it's true.
Asides from work, everything is pretty great at the moment. Time is both flying by and standing still at once, it's the weirdest feeling. I can't wait to be done, and yet I'm terrified of what's to come. However, all things considered...I'm happy.
Currently reading: The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold (the film is supposed to be shit though).
Currently listening to: The Betrayed - Lostprophets (took some getting used to, but it's different and it's great).
Currently wearing: My new blue Converse, cute little dresses, the emo's grungetastic ripped jeans, my leather jacket, pink hat, band T-shirts....my new zombie flats that I am IN LOVE with!
Currently wanting: More Criminal Damage stuff, a scaffold and, of course, another tattoo.
Currently feasting my eyes on: Serenity Rose vol 2 - Aaron Alexovich (the emo got me a signed copy of this for my birthday, it only just arrived and I am IN LOVE with it!).
Song of the day: Lostprophets - Dirty Little Heart.
The Generation Dead Series
4 months ago