The feeling of having grown up somewhat

That looks like a pretty pretentious title, but bear with me because I just typed this up on the spot.

Last Thursday, I went out with my boys (and the Scoob) and got royally HAMMERED. I love my drink, as everybody knows. I love being drunk and out of my head and crazy. I love everything about it, from blurry nights out to random conversations and strange hook-ups that ordinarily would never happen. Asides from being sick at the end of it, it's better than drugs. Almost. Luckily, I haven't been sick from drink since Germany. Woo! I went into college the next morning hungover as fuck, doing the walk of shame like you wouldn't believe. Half the class were hungover, and as a result the tiny room we were in stunk of booze. But I was grand. My mother's boyfriend was over that night and clearly not impressed with my hard-partying habits. My mother even made me walk to the voting place as punishment (because in her eyes I'm a bit of an anarchist). The emo came over that night and cheered me up. It was a good day, all things considered. And the night before was EPIC!!

Although Thursday was one of the best nights out I've had in ages, there was an ever so slightly negative tinge to the proceedings. Star turned up, drunk out of her head, hand in hand with another girl who she then made out with graphically for the entire night while in close proximity to me. It was so blatant that there's no way it wasn't on purpose. And it just made it blindingly obvious to me how much she's changed over the past few months. And it's really, really sad. Anyway, I was ignored and thus made no attempt to speak to her. She was busy, after all. The next day, I got a text asking why I hadn't spoken to her. We fought a bit (which we never do) and she told me that things with us weren't "serious" which sort of broke my heart a little. Now we have to meet up and talk in person, which I really don't want to do. As much as I adore her, the negatives about the relationship are beginning to outweigh the positives.

Let's see... Almost all of her friends hate me. They all love causing drama, talking shit about people and taking ridiculous amounts of drugs. As exciting as it is to be a part of that world, I wouldn't want to stay there for too long because it just fucks with my already fucked up head. And that infamous mistake she made while I was away wasn't just a mistake, it was the mistake. Besides, if she isn't serious about me, what's the point?

I'll still go see her though. If it's over, it's over. But I don't want to cut her out of my life. Not just yet, anyway.

On Saturday, I accompanied the emo to a party in Greystones. It was this chick Ally's 21st and I wasn't exactly invited. Luckily, neither was Fionn (the emo's best friend) so I wasn't the only odd one out. Ally and her boyfriend Richard haven't always got the best impression of me. This is mainly because one of their closest friends is a girl, let's call her Beth (because of her love for Beth Ditto and striking resemblance to her har de har), who hates me and last summer spread rumours about me sleeping with Mewes (who tried and failed to speak to me on Thursday, fucking spa), amongst other horrible things, to put Star off being with me. She doesn't know me at all and yet has always had the worst things to say about me. I've never retaliated, because I know she's too much of a coward to say anything to my face. Needless to say, she is one of the druggy, bitchy set who Star surrounds herself with on a regular basis. She upset Frodo the other week, too, which pissed me right the way off because he is one of the nicest, most accepting people I've ever met. This guy took me in when I had no friends and made me a part of his group. He's the closest thing to a living saint and he's been through hell.

Anyway, Beth was there on Saturday and, about halfway through the night, I was informed (by a gay Frenchman no less) that she'd been talking shit about me all night. Having had great conversations with both Richard and Ally earlier on, I'd no intention of causing any kind of disturbance so I just ignored him. And then he started on about me and the emo, who was pretty drunk at the time and didn't exactly take it well. It was one of those ridiculously unnecessary situations where somebody tries to cause drama and stir up petty shit because he/she has nothing better to do with his/her time. And I know I'm an easy target for it, but that doesn't make it right.

Richard came over just in time to hear pretty much the whole thing, and Noodles later told me he was well impressed with the way I handled myself. I wasn't shocked, but I was quite surprised I have to admit. It's not unusual for people to assume that I'm the one causing trouble, purely because shit tends to be aimed at me. And it pisses me off. I would never go to a party, let alone one I wasn't invited to, and cause shit. I have more respect than that, no matter what anybody says.

Somehow, I managed to put that across and it was in that moment that I realised how much I've changed and grown up over the past year. I suppose I really did have to be completely destroyed in order to emerge stronger. And it feels fucking great.


Song of the day: Paramore - Ignorance (just got this album the other day and this song is great).