Don't Panic

I just discovered a song I hadn't heard in ages, that used to help calm me down when I was 15 and suffering from what were the beginnings of depressive episodes. I used to cut and cry and scream and tear my hair out. I used to wonder why it had to happen to me. I don't wonder anymore. I know why now.

It's a song called Don't Panic by Coldplay, which is strange in itself because I kind of hate Coldplay as a band. I think they're highly overrated. And a poor man's Radiohead. Actually, no, more like a rich man's Radiohead come to think of it. I heard this particular song today and the lyrics caught me. They're not deep or thoughtful or anything special really. I just like the simplicity of them.

Oh, we're sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
All those places we've gone,
All of us are done for.
We live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.


Yeah, kind of depressing, I know. That is what I'm into, after all. Or so it would seem. Those lyrics just caught me today, I don't know why. Maybe they matched my mood, maybe they matched the weather...I dunno, I can't explain. They fit.

I'm writing this with the rain and wind pounding against that stupid orange shutter thing that doesn't really block out any light, but which I've become accustomed to after living here for over two months. It's strange how easy it is to get used to things. I can't imagine ever leaving this place, I really can't.

So, the weather is shit and I'm feeling like shit.

This week hasn't been easy. I'm having a huge argument with my mother, on the basis that she has once again favoured my brother over me and may or may not have given him permission to permanently take over my bedroom back home, leaving me invariably homeless.

Oh, No Surprises has come on while I'm in the middle of writing this.

This song always reminds me of falling asleep next to a friend of mine last summer. I hadn't slept in days, yet I was completely and utterly awake. I just remember we were facing each other with our eyes wide open. I can't remember seeing anything behind the other person's eyes, but I know something was showing behind mine because I shut them tightly as soon as I realised and I concentrated on the song and, eventually, I fell asleep. It was a very strange feeling, a very calm feeling. That song never ceases to calm me down. And I love being stoned to it. And falling asleep to it.

I don't know what to do about my mother. I wish she would just tell me the truth instead of stringing me along, because if this is happening then I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do when I return home. If I even have a home anymore.

This fucking sucks.


Song of the day: Coldplay - Don't Panic.