Three become one?

This is the first time that I've been at home, for any prolonged period of time, in over a week. I am not here by choice, either. But I suppose I'll get some reading and writing done, and rest before another week of madness begins! As usual, I cannot figure out my own thoughts. But I'll give it a go anyway.

I awoke just before one o'clock today, with my emo next to me. I could hear his family moving around and making much the same noise that mine do when it's far too early for it. I was terrified. I don't do well with people's parents. I settled back down into the mass of pillows and blankets (my god that room is fucking freezing!) and sort of nodded off again. Next thing I knew, there were footsteps approaching the door. And then his mother was in the room. She asked him something and he woke up, thank fuck, but then she introduced herself to me and I can honestly say I nearly died of embarrassment. I just remember lifting my head up slightly, and my hair falling into my eyes. I must've looked a state, and my arm was flung across him so that there was no way of pretending we were just friends. I mumbled a hello while trying unsuccessfully to disappear underneath the covers. She was quite friendly, much like my own mother, but it still wasn't the best way to be woken up on a Sunday. He and I laughed about it soon afterwards, though - thank fuck!

Even worse than that, I got a text from my boss asking me to be in work by 3. I begged to be given till 4 to get there and she agreed. I didn't even get up for another twenty minutes, because I was so warm and comfortable and happy, which scares the shit out of me... I never intended to fall for anybody, especially not when I'm leaving the country for six months in less than two months' time. But I can't help it, there's just so much that I like about him... I mean, he's totally fucked in the head and random as hell, but for some bizarre reason, I find myself more and more interested in him every day. He makes me laugh, and he likes me for me, which is so strange to me... And now I sound like a total emo, so I'll shut up about it.

I somehow made it to work on time, after throwing on a pair of jeans in a matter of seconds, and the shift went surprisingly quickly. I miss working with Hans, though. Tomorrow night shall be a reunion of sorts! Haha. I didn't get to shower before work, which disgusted me, but it meant that when I finally got home out of the biting cold, I had a wonderfully warm shower and ate my mother's inconceivably delicious Sunday dinner and got into my pjs and rested. I feel quite warm and fuzzy now. I'm writing more important shit after I finish this, and I'm in a good enough state of mind to do so (although I should really be studying).

Whatever was between Star and I is in serious jeapoardy after the fallout from Saturday night. Noodles thinks it's not worth it, but I'm not one to let other people make my decisions for me. Although I cannot deny that things are so much easier with Dylan and the emo (even though nothing has really happened between Dylan and I yet), Star is exciting and spontaneous and sexy and fun..

The emo had me walking down the street holding hands with him last night AND this morning - what the fuck is up with that?! I promised myself that I wouldn't get properly close to anyone, that I would keep it fun and casual, and now here I am holding hands and cuddling and chatting and smiling all the fucking time with someone who I cannot realistically be with, because I'll have to leave him in two months' time! And it's not as if I don't still have feelings for Star, because I do, I like her so much and she has been there for me through so much shit. But the fact that she chooses to listen to other people's opinions of me, thus ignoring the fact that I have been nothing but completely honest with her from the very beginning, is a major warning sign for me. I don't want to have to distance myself from her, I really don't, but as a good bud of mine always says, if somebody isn't contributing something positive to your life, there is no reason to keep that person in it... And then there's Dylan, who I can't make up my mind about because, no matter how much I try to ignore the fact that nothing happened, it remains, and I don't know what to think...

Life is so fucking random at the moment. I was lying awake in bed earlier this morning, trying to fall back to sleep, and it hit me that, when I got that first text message from the emo, when I was in York, I would never have guessed that only a matter of weeks later, I would be waking up in his bed next to him. It also made me think of Halloween night, when Saz and I went on a drunken quest to find his bedroom, and ended up sitting in there for ages, her disturbed and me fascinated, looking around at everything and asking questions while he sat there uncomfortably, finally shooing us out and back to the party (although Saz ended up sleeping in there with a different lad - but that's another story!). I love his room, though. It's like a haven, and his drawings are everywhere. I wish I could draw. I can't exactly hang up passages that I've written (although my walls are covered in posters, photos, gig tickets, friends' artwork, etc). Anyway, I feel safe there and I can't really explain why. It's very messy, but I find that oddly comforting. I don't know why I'm writing about this guy's room when I'm claiming to not want to fall for him... I wish I could sort my fucking head out!

That is all for now. As usual, I don't really know why I decided to sit down and write this, only that I knew I had to... What an odd release this is. And now In Rainbows is over, which means I have to get up. Damn it.


Song of the day: Radiohead - 15 Step