Sifting through the confusion

I'm blogging to sort through my thoughts, so bear with me...

Today was fairly random. I dragged my ass out of bed at the ungodly hour of 8AM so that I'd be in town on time to rescue the emo (as my brother said, "Ooh, was he all like 'HELP ME!! I can't function without Joey!") and drag him back to my house. It was fucking FREEZING, but we found ways to warm each other up, so it was totally worth it! And then we headed to town and had a late lunch, which was fucking delish!

Anyway, we ended up in Starbucks (which I don't like as much as Butler's, but on cold days such as these, it does the job) and stayed there for several hours. The conversation quickly turned to Germany, where I am heading in five weeks' time. I discovered that he's not quite as okay with the possibility of me hooking up with someone over there, which is understandable, as I thought he was. When I started whatever this is with him, it was only supposed to be casual and fun. But then we began falling for each other properly, and now he wants to make it official.

I want to be with him properly, of course I do, but in a lot of ways, I still don't think I'm ready for another relationship. There's no doubt in my mind that I am over my ex, but the scars from that relationship and the subsequent break-up are still healing. In fact, I'm not sure if they ever will. But that doesn't bother me, because I know that that won't hold me back when I find someone amazing. What does worry me, is that I think the emo might be that person. And I'm scared that I'm going to do something to fuck this up, purely because I am so used to being single and impulsive (no, I am not referring to sleeping around!). I love that, I don't want to give it up yet. I know that, if I were not going away, I would take a chance and be serious with him. Because I'm not staying here, I don't see the point in making a commitment just yet (that's not to say I won't when I get back).

The only problem with that is, I know he's terrified that I'm going to go away and forget about him. I'm not afraid of that happening, because I've never known anyone like him before, and I cannot imagine my life without him in it, even if we were just friends (which we are, underneath all of the sexual tension). I feel so spoiled by him, because he's so good to me, and he understands me, and he makes me laugh....and a million other wonderful things that I don't have enough space to write here. I am turning into an emo!!!!!

So, with all of this written down, one may wonder why I'm not taking the plunge and trying it out with him for a month before I go. The unforunate truth is, I can't right now. I know my heart and my head and I just can't at the moment. There is an awful lot to sort out, and at least I know now, finally, what it is that I want...

In other news, Noodles and I are heading to London the weekend after my 21st for my birthday present!!!! Others would come if only they weren't all so fucking broke! Anyway, London's fucking calling, man!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


Song of the day: You - Radiohead (this band have a song for everything, I love them more every day).