Exit Music

I was naive to think that this year, this month even, would pass by quietly without my illness rearing its' ugly head. I never expected to write in here about the fact that I suffer from depresssion, but my mind is clogged with thoughts of despair, and so, I must do something to distract myself.

I was very sick this morning. I almost collapsed in the middle of my morning jog, and only managed to make it back to my house in time to pass out on my bathroom floor, writhing in pain and cursing my mother for only having painkillers for fucking headaches. I'm not going into any gory details, but let's just say I was throwing up for a good part of the following hour and a half, not to mention writhing in pain, willing it to be over sooner rather than later. This routine is familiar to me. I've been ill a lot over the past few months, as a result of pushing myself too hard with regards to exercise, not getting enough sleep, not eating enough, drinking too much and indulging in certain substances that tend not to sit well in my stomach. Being sick is fine, I can deal with that. But it slowly dawned on me that my first depressive episode in weeks, and indeed the first of 2009, was beginning and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Depression is something I've been dealing with since I was about 14, although back then I didn't really know what it was. I was properly diagnosed with the illness last summer, but refused to go on anti-depressants because it's not half as bad as it used to be, and as far as I'm concerned I can handle it. Today was quite difficult, though, I must admit. I barely ate anything at all, I couldn't walk properly (even when my mother ordered me to go to the bank in the village), I was bursting into tears at nothing (for example, a Hoobastank video on Kerrang!) and once I settled in bed, I couldn't force myself to get up. My mother and I have been fighting a bit lately, because we're both so stressed out and have completely opposite personalities. At first, she accused me of smoking again (when I was quitting, I cheated a few times and got quite ill as a result) which offended me greatly, but once I told her what was really up, she left me alone and asked no further questions. That's something I really love about my mother, she knows when to not say or do anything at all.

Now that it's easing towards night time, I can feel the darkness in my mind moving away slowly but surely, which means that it's almost over for another day. I shudder to think when it will return again, and it's something that really worries me about going to Germany, but the reality of it is that I choose to live with it, and so I must deal with the consequences of that decision. If I were in college or work today, it would have been slightly more difficult, but at the same time, it wasn't the worst it's ever been either, and I know I would've dealt with it no matter where I was or what I was doing.

I'm incredibly lucky with the friends I have - Noodles in particular. He understands that sometimes I need to be talked through it, while others I have to wallow alone in the misery. I sheltered the emo from it, though, because I don't really think he needs to be involved in that side of me. Not yet, anyway. I detest showing weakness or vulnerability, and so this isn't the easiest entry for me to write. But in a way, I'm glad I wrote it, because I feel the weight has lifted off my ever so slightly shoulders now...

Song of the day: Exit Music - Radiohead (it reminds me of when I first started feeling this way, and it comforts me like a hot water bottle).

Wake... from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today.. we escape
We escape

Pack and get dressed
Before your father hears us
Before.. all hell.. breaks loose

Breathe... keep breathing
Don't lose.. your nerve
Breathe... keep breathing
I can't do this.. alone

Sing us a song
A song to keep us warm
There's such a chill
Such a CHILL

You can laugh
A spineless laugh
We hope your rules and wisdom choke you
Now we are one
In everlasting peace
We hope that you choke.. that you choke
We hope that you choke.. that you choke
We hope that you choke.. that you choke