Exit Music

I was naive to think that this year, this month even, would pass by quietly without my illness rearing its' ugly head. I never expected to write in here about the fact that I suffer from depresssion, but my mind is clogged with thoughts of despair, and so, I must do something to distract myself.

I was very sick this morning. I almost collapsed in the middle of my morning jog, and only managed to make it back to my house in time to pass out on my bathroom floor, writhing in pain and cursing my mother for only having painkillers for fucking headaches. I'm not going into any gory details, but let's just say I was throwing up for a good part of the following hour and a half, not to mention writhing in pain, willing it to be over sooner rather than later. This routine is familiar to me. I've been ill a lot over the past few months, as a result of pushing myself too hard with regards to exercise, not getting enough sleep, not eating enough, drinking too much and indulging in certain substances that tend not to sit well in my stomach. Being sick is fine, I can deal with that. But it slowly dawned on me that my first depressive episode in weeks, and indeed the first of 2009, was beginning and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Depression is something I've been dealing with since I was about 14, although back then I didn't really know what it was. I was properly diagnosed with the illness last summer, but refused to go on anti-depressants because it's not half as bad as it used to be, and as far as I'm concerned I can handle it. Today was quite difficult, though, I must admit. I barely ate anything at all, I couldn't walk properly (even when my mother ordered me to go to the bank in the village), I was bursting into tears at nothing (for example, a Hoobastank video on Kerrang!) and once I settled in bed, I couldn't force myself to get up. My mother and I have been fighting a bit lately, because we're both so stressed out and have completely opposite personalities. At first, she accused me of smoking again (when I was quitting, I cheated a few times and got quite ill as a result) which offended me greatly, but once I told her what was really up, she left me alone and asked no further questions. That's something I really love about my mother, she knows when to not say or do anything at all.

Now that it's easing towards night time, I can feel the darkness in my mind moving away slowly but surely, which means that it's almost over for another day. I shudder to think when it will return again, and it's something that really worries me about going to Germany, but the reality of it is that I choose to live with it, and so I must deal with the consequences of that decision. If I were in college or work today, it would have been slightly more difficult, but at the same time, it wasn't the worst it's ever been either, and I know I would've dealt with it no matter where I was or what I was doing.

I'm incredibly lucky with the friends I have - Noodles in particular. He understands that sometimes I need to be talked through it, while others I have to wallow alone in the misery. I sheltered the emo from it, though, because I don't really think he needs to be involved in that side of me. Not yet, anyway. I detest showing weakness or vulnerability, and so this isn't the easiest entry for me to write. But in a way, I'm glad I wrote it, because I feel the weight has lifted off my ever so slightly shoulders now...

Song of the day: Exit Music - Radiohead (it reminds me of when I first started feeling this way, and it comforts me like a hot water bottle).

Wake... from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today.. we escape
We escape

Pack and get dressed
Before your father hears us
Before.. all hell.. breaks loose

Breathe... keep breathing
Don't lose.. your nerve
Breathe... keep breathing
I can't do this.. alone

Sing us a song
A song to keep us warm
There's such a chill
Such a CHILL

You can laugh
A spineless laugh
We hope your rules and wisdom choke you
Now we are one
In everlasting peace
We hope that you choke.. that you choke
We hope that you choke.. that you choke
We hope that you choke.. that you choke

Sifting through the confusion

I'm blogging to sort through my thoughts, so bear with me...

Today was fairly random. I dragged my ass out of bed at the ungodly hour of 8AM so that I'd be in town on time to rescue the emo (as my brother said, "Ooh, was he all like 'HELP ME!! I can't function without Joey!") and drag him back to my house. It was fucking FREEZING, but we found ways to warm each other up, so it was totally worth it! And then we headed to town and had a late lunch, which was fucking delish!

Anyway, we ended up in Starbucks (which I don't like as much as Butler's, but on cold days such as these, it does the job) and stayed there for several hours. The conversation quickly turned to Germany, where I am heading in five weeks' time. I discovered that he's not quite as okay with the possibility of me hooking up with someone over there, which is understandable, as I thought he was. When I started whatever this is with him, it was only supposed to be casual and fun. But then we began falling for each other properly, and now he wants to make it official.

I want to be with him properly, of course I do, but in a lot of ways, I still don't think I'm ready for another relationship. There's no doubt in my mind that I am over my ex, but the scars from that relationship and the subsequent break-up are still healing. In fact, I'm not sure if they ever will. But that doesn't bother me, because I know that that won't hold me back when I find someone amazing. What does worry me, is that I think the emo might be that person. And I'm scared that I'm going to do something to fuck this up, purely because I am so used to being single and impulsive (no, I am not referring to sleeping around!). I love that, I don't want to give it up yet. I know that, if I were not going away, I would take a chance and be serious with him. Because I'm not staying here, I don't see the point in making a commitment just yet (that's not to say I won't when I get back).

The only problem with that is, I know he's terrified that I'm going to go away and forget about him. I'm not afraid of that happening, because I've never known anyone like him before, and I cannot imagine my life without him in it, even if we were just friends (which we are, underneath all of the sexual tension). I feel so spoiled by him, because he's so good to me, and he understands me, and he makes me laugh....and a million other wonderful things that I don't have enough space to write here. I am turning into an emo!!!!!

So, with all of this written down, one may wonder why I'm not taking the plunge and trying it out with him for a month before I go. The unforunate truth is, I can't right now. I know my heart and my head and I just can't at the moment. There is an awful lot to sort out, and at least I know now, finally, what it is that I want...

In other news, Noodles and I are heading to London the weekend after my 21st for my birthday present!!!! Others would come if only they weren't all so fucking broke! Anyway, London's fucking calling, man!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


Song of the day: You - Radiohead (this band have a song for everything, I love them more every day).

Yet another week of madness

The week just gone was so hectic that I'm going to have to break it down into days. Yup, I am that cool.

Monday: My first exam, documentary studies. Not only was it ridiculously difficult, but I had to finish it in less than two hours just so I could catch the bus to work on time. Not fun. I don't even want to think about it, but I will stick a question from it in here to show how dreadful it was:
Q: Evaluate the implications for contemporary documentary makers of Rosen's assertion that 'in a universe of constructed simulations, there is no impossible standard for judging the epistemological adequacy of sign to object'.
I didn't do that one, thank fuck, but it was still bad!

Tuesday: I studied all day long until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. And then I fell asleep at 11PM, woke up at 1AM and couldn't get back to sleep. The emo had no credit. It sucked.

Wednesday: I had two german exams, the first was cultural studies and the second was literature. Both were horrible, but I managed to write down a load of rubbish anyway. It didn't matter either way, Saz and I were going to see Mindless Self Indulgence that night and I could barely focus my mind on anything else all day! I bought the two tickets months ago and we've been counting down to it ever since. We got dressed up in our miniskirts and Converse and practically skipped to The Academy. Of course, once we reached it we got a cold, hard dose of reality. It was an over-14s gig, and the crowd was predictably spotty, slutty, loud, rude and very, very young. We blended right in, given how short and young we look (although our sobriety was obvious among the falling over and vomiting).

The first band we saw were Dir En Grey, possibly the worst thing we have ever heard! The entire set comprised of growling and wailing. I love metal, but that shit was just noise! Next up were Bring Me The Horizon. By the time they came onstage, we'd already located the only other over-15 people in the place and were having a great laugh at everyone else. I was then hit on by a 15-year-old with dirty blonde hair stuck to his sweaty face, whose pick-up line involved telling me how much MSI suck (well done, kid). It was fantastically funny. And then MSI came onstage in all their fantastically crazy glory...and they opened with Shut Me Up and we forgot our age and jumped about like the little 15-year-olds we are inside. We were wonderfully sweaty by the end of it. They closed with Straight To Video and we could hardly believe it was over so soon. We have new respect for Jimmy Urine, who announced to everyone that his new name is Miley Cyrus. MSI are one of my favourite bands and one of the best I've ever seen live. People either love them or hate them, but I definitely know what side I'm on. One of the best parts of the night was looking to my right and seeing Saz jumping about happily, smiling bigger than I've seen her in a long time.

Thursday: I was exhausted after the gig, but I had to get up at 8AM so that I'd get enough study in before I had to head out for Scooby's 21st. I managed to, through some miracle, and I was very glad when I reached the bar and could start drinking. The night began well. We had a big crowd and Scooby was in great form. Unfortunately, everything kind of went to shit after a while. For one thing, Star was there and decided to drunkenly corner me and demand to hang out with me, even though I'd explained to her earlier in the week that I needed some time. She looked unbelievably sexy, though, and I kind of forgot what I'd said before after a few minutes with her (she's like a drug, it's ridiculous). She was all over me on the dancefloor, and I was too drunk to know any better. So there was lots of making out and groping and me being pushed against a wall. We drank more and more and more. One of my guy buds was behaving weirdly with me, and he and Star ended up all over each other on the dancefloor at one stage, which did not impress me in the slightest. Then Scooby's bag got robbed, with her brand new earrings in it, not to mention all of her other stuff. In the midst of all the drama of the robbery, Star pulled me aside and demanded we sort shit out. I told her repeatedly it wasn't the time, and she got very, very angry. We left things badly. It wasn't a good night.

Friday: I woke up sick, with In Rainbows on my stereo and a million text messages on my phone. I discovered I'd told the emo I was in love with him while wasted. Luckily, as always, he saw the funny side. I dragged myself out of bed, and was shocked to find that I looked even paler than usual. I put on my girly miniskirt and top, and my new Boosh hoodie and traipsed off, half feeling grunge and pretty, half ill. It was raining. I kept my hood up. I gave Saz all the juicy details on the walk up to college, interespersed with screams of "MSI were soooo AMAZING!!" We crammed a bit before our Globalisation exam, knowing deep down that it wouldn't do any good. The lecturer's exams are notoriously impossible. I had a big bottle of chocolate Yazoo, so I wasn't too bad. And the exam was okay in the end, surprisingly enough. Afterwards, we went shopping and I bought a new dress (that Scooby had on the night before), and then we had hot chocolate. I legged it home and got ready for Scooby's birthday dinner. It was in a fantastic Mexican restaurant. Her friends were lovely. Whenever she went to the bathroom, we excitedly discussed the surprise party the night after, that we'd all been planning in conjunction with her mother for weeks. Halfway through the meal, her sister got a call to say that Scooby's bag had been found. Her mp3 player, phone and camera were gone but her wallet and earrings were in it. It was fantastic news, and really made the night.

Saturday: I got up early for work, which I was dreading because I knew I'd be too excited about the surprise party to concentrate on anything. Luckily, the shift flew by and I was working with some of the most fun women in the shop, which was awesome! I legged it home afterwards to get ready. Saz arrived at 6 and the lads turned up shortly after. We sat in my room and had some pre-drinks before we left. I hadn't seen the emo in what seemed like forever, but for some reason I was nervous around him and we barely even hugged! The car ride to Kilcoole was great fun. We blasted the music, knocked back drinks and chatted excitedly about how surprised Scooby was going to be. Of course, she was. The look on her face was worth the trip over and her parents were so nice. Everybody had the best night, even though the music was cheesy as fuck. The emo and I legged it to a Chinese place at one stage and ended up eating chips in an alleyway. I know that sounds terribly knacker, but I prefer real moments like that because they feel much more romantic to me. Like when he cooked me dinner, which was so simple and relaxed that it was quite romantic (not to mention excellent foreplay). Anyway, it was lovely. And the party was fantastic. I love her so much, and I almost cried when I saw the look on her face when she walked in. We headed back to my place and had tea before the lads had to crawl back to Bray. The emo wanted to stay, but Saz and I were in the mood for a good gossip and sent him packing!

Sunday: And that brings me to today, which was boring as hell. I took my sis to see Twilight to celebrate her awesome exam results. I still hate Robert Pattinson! I miss everyone and now that I'm done with exams, I have time to write, hang out, go drinking, plan my 21st, prepare for Germany, etc, etc. I feel quite strange. I'm scared and excited to leave at the same time. There's so much to do. And this was probably boring. I'll shut up now.

Just Dance - Lady Gaga (catchy as fuck)

What a weekend!

All right, so last week was pretty fucking boring. The highlights were definitely hanging out with Saz while pretending to study on Tuesday, getting paid for three weeks work in advance on Wednesday, and going to the theatre with Scooby and Noodles on Thursday. My exams start tomorrow, and I tried to get as much study done as possible, but I am very easily distracted, and it seemed this week that everybody wanted to talk to me at once (and about fucking serious stuff too).

Having said all of that, the weekend, which sadly ends today, more than made up for it. Although I'm still unsure of my feelings for Star, and Dylan has disappointed me for what will hopefully be the last time (that's not to say he's a bad guy or I'm ruling out any possibilities because he is one of my heroes and a damn good friend too), I am absolutely certain about how I feel for the emo, and that I want to spend as much time with him as possible before I go away. I know he wants to be exclusive, but me being anybody's girlfriend right now would just be fucking stupid. I don't want to add unnecessary hurt to somebody's life, when I can just keep it casual and have fun.

Anyway, I'm going off the fucking point now! I headed over to the wonderful town of Bray on Friday evening (I am in love with that place) and had hot chocolate with Noodles before heading to the emo's place. Noodles teased the hell out of me for looking so damn happy, and the fact that certain friends of ours seem to think that the emo and I are adorable together (even though we spend an awful lot of time taking the piss out of each other and beating each other up). I was dying to see the emo, but I was terrified at the same time. Of course, once I got back in that room I felt completely and utterly comfortable. No further details from this point onwards, but it was a fucking awesome night.

We headed to mine on Saturday and hung with my little sis for most of the night, watching movies and talking shit. Thankfully, she crashed just before midnight, so we were alone for a good while too (I'd hate to put him off with my mad family, but I do have certain responsibilities that I can't ignore). I was exhausted, but I was somehow kept awake and entertained until 4AM. Unfortunately, that meant we slept until midday. And my mother was not impressed that I left with him just before the weekly Sunday dinner (which my brother hasn't attended in months). I didn't particularly care, though, because I knew I wouldn't be seeing him again till next Saturday. That sounded mushy. Fuck it. I really like him, and I feel so spoilt because he's so good to me (which is frightening, considering what I used to put up with on a regular basis and even think of as sweet and affectionate behaviour).

I studied a bit tonight, but my heart wasn't really in it. I love my course, but I'm just too exhausted to concentrate on anything. And Noodles is going to ring me soon so that we can catch up on our respective weekends, so it looks like I've got another late night ahead of me. Oops... Next week is going to be fucking crazy too. I can't believe I'm going to see MSI on Wednesday...it feels so unreal... And with Scooby's 21st celebrations and work thrown into the deal...gah! I've so much to do! I wonder if I'll even have time to update this... Ah well, fuck it. Life is for living!

Song of the day: Mindless Self Indulgence - Never Wanted To Dance (three days to go!!)

Three become one?

This is the first time that I've been at home, for any prolonged period of time, in over a week. I am not here by choice, either. But I suppose I'll get some reading and writing done, and rest before another week of madness begins! As usual, I cannot figure out my own thoughts. But I'll give it a go anyway.

I awoke just before one o'clock today, with my emo next to me. I could hear his family moving around and making much the same noise that mine do when it's far too early for it. I was terrified. I don't do well with people's parents. I settled back down into the mass of pillows and blankets (my god that room is fucking freezing!) and sort of nodded off again. Next thing I knew, there were footsteps approaching the door. And then his mother was in the room. She asked him something and he woke up, thank fuck, but then she introduced herself to me and I can honestly say I nearly died of embarrassment. I just remember lifting my head up slightly, and my hair falling into my eyes. I must've looked a state, and my arm was flung across him so that there was no way of pretending we were just friends. I mumbled a hello while trying unsuccessfully to disappear underneath the covers. She was quite friendly, much like my own mother, but it still wasn't the best way to be woken up on a Sunday. He and I laughed about it soon afterwards, though - thank fuck!

Even worse than that, I got a text from my boss asking me to be in work by 3. I begged to be given till 4 to get there and she agreed. I didn't even get up for another twenty minutes, because I was so warm and comfortable and happy, which scares the shit out of me... I never intended to fall for anybody, especially not when I'm leaving the country for six months in less than two months' time. But I can't help it, there's just so much that I like about him... I mean, he's totally fucked in the head and random as hell, but for some bizarre reason, I find myself more and more interested in him every day. He makes me laugh, and he likes me for me, which is so strange to me... And now I sound like a total emo, so I'll shut up about it.

I somehow made it to work on time, after throwing on a pair of jeans in a matter of seconds, and the shift went surprisingly quickly. I miss working with Hans, though. Tomorrow night shall be a reunion of sorts! Haha. I didn't get to shower before work, which disgusted me, but it meant that when I finally got home out of the biting cold, I had a wonderfully warm shower and ate my mother's inconceivably delicious Sunday dinner and got into my pjs and rested. I feel quite warm and fuzzy now. I'm writing more important shit after I finish this, and I'm in a good enough state of mind to do so (although I should really be studying).

Whatever was between Star and I is in serious jeapoardy after the fallout from Saturday night. Noodles thinks it's not worth it, but I'm not one to let other people make my decisions for me. Although I cannot deny that things are so much easier with Dylan and the emo (even though nothing has really happened between Dylan and I yet), Star is exciting and spontaneous and sexy and fun..

The emo had me walking down the street holding hands with him last night AND this morning - what the fuck is up with that?! I promised myself that I wouldn't get properly close to anyone, that I would keep it fun and casual, and now here I am holding hands and cuddling and chatting and smiling all the fucking time with someone who I cannot realistically be with, because I'll have to leave him in two months' time! And it's not as if I don't still have feelings for Star, because I do, I like her so much and she has been there for me through so much shit. But the fact that she chooses to listen to other people's opinions of me, thus ignoring the fact that I have been nothing but completely honest with her from the very beginning, is a major warning sign for me. I don't want to have to distance myself from her, I really don't, but as a good bud of mine always says, if somebody isn't contributing something positive to your life, there is no reason to keep that person in it... And then there's Dylan, who I can't make up my mind about because, no matter how much I try to ignore the fact that nothing happened, it remains, and I don't know what to think...

Life is so fucking random at the moment. I was lying awake in bed earlier this morning, trying to fall back to sleep, and it hit me that, when I got that first text message from the emo, when I was in York, I would never have guessed that only a matter of weeks later, I would be waking up in his bed next to him. It also made me think of Halloween night, when Saz and I went on a drunken quest to find his bedroom, and ended up sitting in there for ages, her disturbed and me fascinated, looking around at everything and asking questions while he sat there uncomfortably, finally shooing us out and back to the party (although Saz ended up sleeping in there with a different lad - but that's another story!). I love his room, though. It's like a haven, and his drawings are everywhere. I wish I could draw. I can't exactly hang up passages that I've written (although my walls are covered in posters, photos, gig tickets, friends' artwork, etc). Anyway, I feel safe there and I can't really explain why. It's very messy, but I find that oddly comforting. I don't know why I'm writing about this guy's room when I'm claiming to not want to fall for him... I wish I could sort my fucking head out!

That is all for now. As usual, I don't really know why I decided to sit down and write this, only that I knew I had to... What an odd release this is. And now In Rainbows is over, which means I have to get up. Damn it.


Song of the day: Radiohead - 15 Step

It never gets boring...

New year, new prospects, new blog. 2009 is going to be a bit mad, because I'm spending six months of it in Germany with one of my best buds in the entire world, Saz. She is the ying to my yang, my other half if ever I met one. Watching her change and evolve over the past two years or so has been fantastic, and her confidence builds by the day. On New Year's Eve, she received a phone call that was one of the biggest insults to her ever made. We laughed our asses off about the attempts at manipulation, the bullshit, the insecurity, the pure and simple cruelty, but underneath it all he's just pathetic.

I cannot believe that anybody in his/her right mind would think me capable of influencing somebody as fucking independent, confident and intelligent as Saz. It's laughable. She is truly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, not to mention kind, smart, ambitious, confident, incredibly brave, optimistic, realistic, honest, strong, independent, creative, talented, caring, fun, spontaneous, crazy........and a million other fanastic qualities. She has been the best friend to me, at a time when a lot of other people (some of whom I've known for longer) abandoned me and believed the worst about me. To even suggest that she follows me, that she cannot make up her own mind, that she needs me to guide her, that she is beneath me, that she is anything less than absolutely fucking awesome in her own right is absolutely ridiculous. That phone call was one of the funniest things that she has ever experienced, and didn't upset her in the slightest, nor was one seed of doubt sown in her mind. It's a credit to her that she knows who she is, better than the person who tried, and failed, to manipulate her. She has been seriously and almost unbelievably underestimated. And so have I, come to think of it. I love her unconditionally, I am in awe of her, I would die for her. And there is no doubt in my mind that she would do the same for me. It is because of her that I found the strength to face up to everything this year, and in many ways she has been my strength. She stood in front of me when I needed protection, and next to me when I needed strength. I am louder than she is most of the time, but that has nothing to do with anything. We flourish because of each other. Anyway, I don't even need to write any of this because true friendship cannot be destroyed, especially not by somebody as insecure, petty and fucking delusional as the desperate man who made that phone call (we appreciate the laughs though).

2009 began absolutely brilliantly, I must say. Although I had to work on New Year's Eve until 8, Frodo's murder mystery themed party was the best fun I've had in ages, and well worth the trek over to Deans Grange. Stella screamed when my emo leaned over and kissed me, having had no prior knowledge that there's something going on between us (whatever the hell that is). She promised not to do it again though. Speaking of Stella, I am amazed that she managed to go a whole year without drinking, but fair play to her. She got drunk once the clock struck twelve anyway, so I'm guessing she'll manage to make up for it this year! I love that crowd, they're all so fucking mellow and fun and silly. It wasn't the craziest party I've ever been to, but that was part of its' charm.


I headed over to my emo's house the following day, the first of this year, with the promise of a giant box of lego to play with and industrial tunes on the stereo. I got the music, but the lego was nowhere to be found. Having said that, he managed to keep his terrifying dog away from me, so I guess I can't really complain! We hung out all day, and then he cooked me dinner. It was simple spaghetti, and we drank giant bottles of Yazoo (that we had for breakfast also) with it, but it was all so simple and sweet that it almost melted my little black heart.. Anyway, later on that night, one thing led to another and I ended up popping his cherry so to speak. Although it certainly was so imperfect that it was perfect, I was worried he'd end up regretting it the next day. I was spoiled because my first time was so perfect, and I'd hate to ruin anybody else's (especially given the horror stories many of my guy buds have told me). But he was grand the next morning, and I must admit that it was quite difficult to leave him. I hate the thought of properly falling for somebody again, though, because it scares the shit out of me, not to mention that I'm leaving in less than two months. I had hot chocolate in town with Noodles, and then lunch with Derek (who I love to bits, but sadly hadn't seen in fucking ages) and then the former and I went shopping for new clothes for him. I ended up buying a Mighty Boosh hoodie cheap in Asha (the woman in there is so sound, she always compliments my clothes), which annoyed me slightly because I buy way too much boy clothing as it is! Still, it's a fucking cool hoodie that I am going to wear tonight no matter what anybody says!

Last night was a bit weird. I was supposed to be heading out for a bud's birthday, but she was too sick to go so we ended up gathering a random crowd of people together, getting drunk and dancing the night away. An 18-year-old called me "old" though, which pissed me right the way off! The night was weird, because Star was there with some of her buds, but I felt like they were judging everything I did. And she was none too pleased when I couldn't head back to hers for a session. The situation is complicated by the amount of people who are talking shit about me to her. I just wish she would listen to me, because I don't lie and have no reason to anyway! Anyway, we'll see...


Roll on the rest of 2009!

Song of 2008: Slipknot - Dead Memories (it was just so fitting)

Song of the day: Depeche Mode - A Pain That I'm Used To (for very personal reasons)