Reflections and ramblings

Seeing as I have officially been living here for a month now (and my mother informed me in a rather touching email that it's the longest I've ever been away from her), I think it's only fitting that I write something to mark the date, and reflect somewhat on the past four weeks. I'll probably start rambling on about how much I'm looking forward to getting my tattoo (I've been catching up on LA Ink over here and it's making the itch for a new one even worse), or whatever else is running through my mind at the time, but bear with me because I do have a point...probably.

Living away from home for the first time wasn't as big of an adjustment as I'd thought it would be. I was discussing this with Saz in my kitchen this afternoon, and we agreed that it kind of felt natural in a way, like a transition into the so-called "real world". The thought of moving back in with my mother and siblings when I return to Dublin doesn't fill me with dread, though, as I'd anticipated it would. That's probably because it's out of necessity that I'm doing so, and also because I know my mother needs my support. Living alone with strangers has its' highs and lows, but for the most part it's been fantastic, and a real learning experience for me. I know there are some who are arrogant about how well they've adjusted to living with strangers, but witnessing what one of my friends has gone through with some very unfriendly flatmates, I think we should all take what we can get with a pinch of salt, and not assume that things are going to run smoothly forever. Luckily, I am very happy where I am and the majority of the time the atmosphere is quiet and respectful (unless Rudi is raving, of course).

Munich is a beautiful city, and it's huge - much, much bigger than Dublin. I still feel slightly lost in it, but I'm learning my way around bit by bit (with the help of our Brit buds, who have been here for six months already) and I've even found a beer that I like, so the idea of getting hammered finally seems more attainable. I probably sound like an alcoholic. I'm not going to apologise for how much I drink, nor am I going to explain it. I don't get wasted as often as a lot of people, and when I do the experience is generally positive for all involved. I haven't been drunk over here yet, and it's something I'm dying to do purely for the memories that will be made because of it. I already have a million, hilarious stories to tell from the last month, so who knows what's to come!

I've had a lot of time to think and reflect since I've been over here. The drama continues back home, of course, with one of my friends causing more of a stir than usual. The decisions this person has made affect more people than is obvious to the common eye, and a lot of people fear that the repercussions may be detrimental. But, of course, one cannot make decisions for somebody else. Everybody is free to make his/her own mistakes. Fuck knows I've made a lot of them, and I'm glad because otherwise I'd be completely fucked in the head and unsure of who I am and who the people around me are. It's horrible to give up on somebody, but quite often the person has been given all of the chances possible and it is the only course of action left... That sounded fairly morbid. Shit.

I've been writing loads over here, even though I rarely have the time. It's been flowing out of me, and I can't really explain why... I'm being influenced by all of the new things I'm experiencing, both good and bad. And, of course, I have my love life to inspire me also. I've stopped questioning what I thought of as love, because I am sure of what I felt in the past but I am also sure of what it means to be loved...and I think I'm only properly experiencing that now. I'm referring, of course, to romantic love, not love shared between friends. When I was 18, I experienced a diluted form of it, with somebody who was more of a friend than anything else. I'm sure we loved each other in a certain way, but not in the most complete way. I will keep those memories forever as my introduction to love, but I am only now experiencing the reality of romantic love and it has shocked me to my core. But the less I say about that the better.

I got another package from the emo today. It was filled with posters of my favourite people, some of whom I was shocked even he knew about. I had been made to believe that a lot of what I said was irrelevant (I do talk a lot, and I know that, but I love to listen too) but apparently not... Even my recent obsession with Criss Angel (swoon) was taken into account. He also included a love letter, but not the kind I'm used to receiving from him. Last weekend, I stayed up late reading Joyce's love letters and I was shocked by how utterly filthy they were. Still, the man was a fantastic writer and I don't blame him for letting his kinky side out (that would be fairly hypocritical of me, after all...). The emo's letter shocked me too, but for a different reason. He seemed to capture everything about us in the simplest of words, with the most genuine of feeling underneath it all. It's a strange situation, complicated of course by Star, who also feels quite strongly for me (and I her, although we show it in different ways). I watched Zack and Miri Make A Porno earlier on and I thought the love story was so touching, largely because of how utterly unconventional it was. I love unconventional love stories. I hate that certain people have fairytale ideas, or even concrete ones, about what love should and shouldn't be. Love just is, it cannot be explained.

And now I'm rambling. I'm very excited to get my third tattoo, although it won't be happening until late June/early July. It's a symbol very close to my heart, which represents a love of women and also a love of fetish. I picked it out and then the emo altered it for me, so that it would feel more personal. I still love getting pierced, of course, but tattoos tend to have a lot more meaning for me. I'm quite sure that I'm addicted now, though.. I have the next ten picked out...

I should really finish this up now, so that I can begin writing a reply to the emo. I can't believe it's already April, this year is flying by. I can't wait for the summer, and to start uni. I picked my classes today and I'm so excited to get started. It's all happening now...it feels so fucking surreal...

Song of the day: Lacuna Coil - Closer.