Lies, Let downs...and love

I sat down to write this and now I'm not even sure about what I have to say.

I'm not in the best frame of mind. I'm viciously hungover, last night is only coming back in parts, and news from home has made me question everything all of a sudden. I hate that this is happening, because I know that it's exactly what he wants, but I'm only human and I cannot pretend that this doesn't hurt, because it does. I keep asking myself, when will this end, when will he give up, how much more can I be expected to take - questions that will remain unanswered for quite some time, I'm sure, if the last eleven months are anything to go by...

Next month, I will have been single for an entire year. It's an accomplishment that I am very proud of, although it seemed at times to be the worst idea I'd ever had. The last eleven months have been great and horrible.I've laughed more than I ever have before. I've cried more tears than I thought a human body could produce.

I'm still here, though. Somehow.

I have to stop and think about writing all of this down, because sometimes it doesn't even seem real. If I saw it in a film, I would question its' validity as a plausible storyline. But it happened. And, sadly enough, it's still happening.

Last May, I ended a hugely destructive relationship and foolishly thought my problems would then be over. In reality, my nightmare was only just beginning. Over the last eleven months, I have had every aspect of my character torn to shreds, my friends harrassed, my love interests warned to stay away from me, rumours started, blogs written, phone calls made, etc, etc. People I've met for the first time claim to already know enough about me to keep their distance. I lost all of my friends except for a small few, and had to completely rebuild my life as a result. It wasn't easy, and I'm not going to pretend that I felt stronger instantly. Strength is something I've had to build up over time, sometimes by acting, often by refusing to react. I've been pushed to my very limits and, I'm not going to lie, I felt like giving up at times.

I have new friends and a new life now, and I'm finally happy. Unfortunately, somebody else's happiness depends on my being unhappy, and thus, efforts are still being made to destroy everything I've built.

I was not solely responsible for the break-up and neither was he. At least I have the guts to own up to that fact.

I know that a lot of people believe him, and think that I'm a selfish, manipulative, narcissistic bitch. They think I control my friends, that I'm devoid of feeling, that I'm completely and utterly self-involved. None of that is the truth. None of anything he says about me is true.

That may be me trying to manipulate you, though, so watch out.

I can't convince anybody that I'm not who he says I am, all I can do is keep living my life and trying to be the best person I can be. I don't care if people think the worst of me. I know who I am, and my friends know who I am. Unfortunately, he refuses to stop trying to ruin my life and eleven months on, it's not only pathetic, but almost psychotic too. Several attempts have been made to turn my friends against me, by encouraging them to "see the light". When they refused to see things his way, they were punished in much the same way I have been punished. They wanted to retaliate, but the problem with that is that, no matter what they say or do of their own accord to stand up for themselves, he will find a way to twist it and convince others that they are only doing what they are told.

So we all must sit back and take it, keep our mouths shut and do our best to continue on with our lives.

But still he persists.

Last night, a few of my closest friends watched as he pathetically forced himself on Star and some of her friends in a bar. He even went home with them. I was so shocked when they told me, that I almost fainted. But really, I shouldn't be surprised at all. This kind of shit has become typical of my life. Something similar happened in another bar last weekend. He pretends that my friends are his friends, when they clearly are not. It sounds ridiculous, but it's true.

I sometimes wonder why he gets his kicks from trying to destroy my life. Has he nothing better to do? Maybe it seems like I have nothing better to do than write this blog. But this needs to be written, not just for me but for anybody who is wondering why I am the way that I am. Nobody but Saz, who witnessed almost everything, will ever know how bad it was, how bad it is. Trying to understand helps. I don't expect any pity, unlike him. I'm not going to pretend to be a fucking saint. I've made some bad decisions. I've made lots of mistakes. I admit that. But I'm trying my best and I'm completely and utterly honest with everybody about who I am and what I've done.

What Star did last night was unforgivable. I don't know how I'm ever going to trust her again, but I love her and I know that I'll have to try. It sickens me that this so-called man cannot let it go after eleven months of torturing me. I'm starting to wonder if it will ever end. I cherish my life and those closest to me. I could not bear to lose it all again and I will not let that happen. I have worked too fucking hard for this.

I know this will probably fuel the fire, and I'm prepared for that. I just had to write.


Song of the day: Slipknot - Dead Memories.