I'll just start typing and see what I come up with

I wore a corset to college today and now my tummy kinda hurts... I couldn't really breathe for most of my one lecture, but I think it was worth it. My lecturer referred to me as avant-garde, which I'm not really but it was still nice to hear.

I've just been running in the dark, which is always fun (unless there's a big dude following behind at an unnaturally slow pace - man I hate that H2 trailer), but it was especially good tonight because of the light drizzle hitting my face throughout. I love this time of year. I hate the cold, but kicking through the leaves and wrapping up warmly and the feeling of Halloween in the air really get me going...

College has been ridiculously overwhelming this week. And last week. And, well, ever since fourth year started actually! It's not that I think I won't be able to get all of the work done, or that there's too much, or anything like that. It's more the pressure of having to come up with a million brilliant ideas all at once. We were given our media law assignment on Wednesday and I almost cried with happiness when I spotted that the lecturer had chosen a topic for us, because at least that's one less thing to worry about. I have a presentation on Monday morning auf Deutsch about two articles for our German magazine, the subjects of which I'm still undecided on. It just sucks because we're being marked on EVERYTHING we do. Urgh.. As for dissertation number one, I have a million ideas, none of which seem particularly plausible. And then there's radio. And TV. And the writing competitions I've taken it upon myself to enter. And the fashion magazine O has just launched. And a million little assignments along the way. I feel like my head is exploding sometimes. And yet, the days and weeks seem to be progressing so quickly... It's insane. I feel like I have nothing done, even though time is going by so fast.

This is final year, though. So I guess I should shut up complaining and get to work.

Or I shall continue blogging.

Speaking of which, The Irish Times Donald Clarke gave out about the use of "blogging" as a verb in his last Screenwriter column in The Ticket, so I feel maybe I should stop using it too. I don't agree with everything he has to say, but he nearly always gets it right. And he is very funny too. I'll get around to reading his blog whenever I feel like it. I was reading Ian O'Doherty's iSpy column online in an unnecessary lecture about research the other day and I felt like a traitor to the journalistic profession (I still love him though, even if he is hated and kinda shit sometimes).

I've had a pathetic excuse for a social life lately. My mother went away with her lovely boyfriend last weekend (to the same place Stephen Gately died - RIP my first celebrity crush) and I didn't go out once while she was away. Instead, the emo came over and he, my sis and I hung out all weekend watching movies and eating junk food. He finally got to give her the pic he drew of her and Bill Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel and she was absolutely ecstatic, placing it proudly next to her Bill shrine on the wall next to her bed. I dunno whether it's because he has a little sister the same age, but he gets along really, really well with her. She thinks he's a bit mental, but when he got a sort of moody one of the nights and I explained about his illness and the pills he's recently decided to take, she seemed to warm to him even more. I hope that one day she will have a freak of her own.

It was a great weekend, especially because he and I FINALLY got to sleep in my bed (which is far bigger than his) for once, meaning a lot of awesome sex all weekend and the obligatory bit of cuddling too (his idea, not mine). It was great. We went out for dinner on Sunday night to the Bad Ass Cafe, which used to be one of my favourite restaurants but has undergone a makeover and now kind of sucks. There was no spaghetti bolognese on the menu, for one. The portions are smaller and the prices are higher. We witnessed a druggie feud outside the window in Crown Alley (why is Doran's now called 3 Crown Alley!?) which was quite exciting, but also a bit nerve-wracking. I'll probably never stop missing the safety of Munich. Dublin feels very rough in comparison. Anyway, we both had burgers and chips, he a bacon and cheese, me just cheese, and it was all delicious and very filling. But overall I was kind of disappointed. There's a new "proper restaurant" vibe to the place that makes me kinid of uncomfortable. I might just be being picky though, because I love Wagamamas, Yamamori, the IFI, FXB's, Pizzas 'n' Cream (in Bray, but still), etc so much... Still, it was a great end to a great weekend.

I've been spending a lot of time with my good bud Dylan lately (who I've realised is more like Chris O'Dowd than Dylan Moran, but I'll keep the name regardless) which is fucking awesome because he's been so busy that we've barely hung out since college started back. He's finally found some chick to make out with on a regular basis, which is great for him because if anybody deserves somebody fantastic, it's him. I'm not allowed to meet her, though, in case I scare her away or seduce her. I've been over at his flat lately, which is smaller than my place in Munich but still grand nonetheless. Usually we drink red wine and chat about life, but last time I brought along Front (one of my fave lads' mags, they feature Vikki Blows a lot) and we gawked at hot chicks all night too, which was great fun. He always provides a new perspective on things, whether it's why I'm not going on the class trip (there's one big reason, I told L earlier in the week, one which I don't care to discuss) or when I'm going to finally be able to commit to the emo. I love hanging with him, I hope we can still do it when my brain starts exploding later on in the year. He always seems so calm, probably because he's so fucking good at everything he does. I get very jealous, but then I remember he's much more insecure than he lets on, and a genuinely nice guy (hard to come by).

Fuck this is a long blog...

What else?

I've been working out for an hour a day every day and I'm starting to see some serious results, which is fucking deadly.

I'm re-reading the Scott Pilgrim series again before the final part comes out.

I read Bryan Lee O'Malley's Lost At Sea this week and it was beautiful, if a little bit emo.

I'm itching for a new tattoo, but I can't afford one just yet.

I finally got to register the other day, which means getting re-acquainted with the library.

I got notice today that I'm getting my grant this year, which is a huge weight off my shoulders.

I'm feeling pretty fucking good most of the time, which is new for me but in a great way.

I probably have lots more to say but I can't remember right now.

The new Paramore album is amazing, I can't wait to see them in December!!



Song of the day: Placebo - Running Up That Hill (one of the best covers I have ever heard).

The feeling of having grown up somewhat

That looks like a pretty pretentious title, but bear with me because I just typed this up on the spot.

Last Thursday, I went out with my boys (and the Scoob) and got royally HAMMERED. I love my drink, as everybody knows. I love being drunk and out of my head and crazy. I love everything about it, from blurry nights out to random conversations and strange hook-ups that ordinarily would never happen. Asides from being sick at the end of it, it's better than drugs. Almost. Luckily, I haven't been sick from drink since Germany. Woo! I went into college the next morning hungover as fuck, doing the walk of shame like you wouldn't believe. Half the class were hungover, and as a result the tiny room we were in stunk of booze. But I was grand. My mother's boyfriend was over that night and clearly not impressed with my hard-partying habits. My mother even made me walk to the voting place as punishment (because in her eyes I'm a bit of an anarchist). The emo came over that night and cheered me up. It was a good day, all things considered. And the night before was EPIC!!

Although Thursday was one of the best nights out I've had in ages, there was an ever so slightly negative tinge to the proceedings. Star turned up, drunk out of her head, hand in hand with another girl who she then made out with graphically for the entire night while in close proximity to me. It was so blatant that there's no way it wasn't on purpose. And it just made it blindingly obvious to me how much she's changed over the past few months. And it's really, really sad. Anyway, I was ignored and thus made no attempt to speak to her. She was busy, after all. The next day, I got a text asking why I hadn't spoken to her. We fought a bit (which we never do) and she told me that things with us weren't "serious" which sort of broke my heart a little. Now we have to meet up and talk in person, which I really don't want to do. As much as I adore her, the negatives about the relationship are beginning to outweigh the positives.

Let's see... Almost all of her friends hate me. They all love causing drama, talking shit about people and taking ridiculous amounts of drugs. As exciting as it is to be a part of that world, I wouldn't want to stay there for too long because it just fucks with my already fucked up head. And that infamous mistake she made while I was away wasn't just a mistake, it was the mistake. Besides, if she isn't serious about me, what's the point?

I'll still go see her though. If it's over, it's over. But I don't want to cut her out of my life. Not just yet, anyway.

On Saturday, I accompanied the emo to a party in Greystones. It was this chick Ally's 21st and I wasn't exactly invited. Luckily, neither was Fionn (the emo's best friend) so I wasn't the only odd one out. Ally and her boyfriend Richard haven't always got the best impression of me. This is mainly because one of their closest friends is a girl, let's call her Beth (because of her love for Beth Ditto and striking resemblance to her har de har), who hates me and last summer spread rumours about me sleeping with Mewes (who tried and failed to speak to me on Thursday, fucking spa), amongst other horrible things, to put Star off being with me. She doesn't know me at all and yet has always had the worst things to say about me. I've never retaliated, because I know she's too much of a coward to say anything to my face. Needless to say, she is one of the druggy, bitchy set who Star surrounds herself with on a regular basis. She upset Frodo the other week, too, which pissed me right the way off because he is one of the nicest, most accepting people I've ever met. This guy took me in when I had no friends and made me a part of his group. He's the closest thing to a living saint and he's been through hell.

Anyway, Beth was there on Saturday and, about halfway through the night, I was informed (by a gay Frenchman no less) that she'd been talking shit about me all night. Having had great conversations with both Richard and Ally earlier on, I'd no intention of causing any kind of disturbance so I just ignored him. And then he started on about me and the emo, who was pretty drunk at the time and didn't exactly take it well. It was one of those ridiculously unnecessary situations where somebody tries to cause drama and stir up petty shit because he/she has nothing better to do with his/her time. And I know I'm an easy target for it, but that doesn't make it right.

Richard came over just in time to hear pretty much the whole thing, and Noodles later told me he was well impressed with the way I handled myself. I wasn't shocked, but I was quite surprised I have to admit. It's not unusual for people to assume that I'm the one causing trouble, purely because shit tends to be aimed at me. And it pisses me off. I would never go to a party, let alone one I wasn't invited to, and cause shit. I have more respect than that, no matter what anybody says.

Somehow, I managed to put that across and it was in that moment that I realised how much I've changed and grown up over the past year. I suppose I really did have to be completely destroyed in order to emerge stronger. And it feels fucking great.


Song of the day: Paramore - Ignorance (just got this album the other day and this song is great).

I think I've found my Halloween costume...

Ramona Flowers. I wish I were as cool as this chick, I really do. (I don't believe the emo when he says I'm like his Ramona, because she's much too cool!!). But I probably never will be, so being her for one night will do!! I'm so excited for the Scott Pilgrim film, it's quite ridiculous! I've seen photos and vlogs from the set and everything is looking great - Michael Cera is adorable as always, although I'm wondering how exactly he's going to play Scott. I'm a bit disappointed that Mary Elizabeth Winstead (who's playing Ramona) is going to be wearing wigs for the whole thing. Bleach and hair dye, dude. I used to do it all the time! Although, I suppose it is a miracle I have any hair left so maybe the makers of the film didn't want to take that chance.. Still, it would've been cooler! Gah! I'm so excited! I think I'll read all of the comics again before the final one in January. It feels so far away. Fuck's sake.

Okay, back to the essay.


Song of the day: Deftones - Minerva (I hadn't heard this song in a while and it helped me get up to the top of hill number two on my run earlier on - a struggle every time I do it. Atmospheric and beautiful, it's one of my few faves by Deftones).

Life or something like it

So, the first week of fourth year is over and I can honestly say I am EXHAUSTED. Between all of the talk of dissertations, presentations and articles, trying to decide between radio and print and catching up with everyone I haven't seen for months, I'm feeling very overwhelmed (but in a good way). The decision between print and radio is a big one. I thought I'd go to radio and be a bit "meh" about it cos, let's face it, my heart is and probably always will be in print. But I was pleasantly surprised. Yes, it sucked that the class took place at 9AM on a Friday morning in a room with no windows, not to mention the fact I'd been out the night before celebrating my brother's 18th birthday and was a bit worse for wear, but it was really interesting and I found myself wondering if maybe it is what I want to do after all. I'll have to see how print goes first, of course. But I've a feeling this is going to a much more difficult decision than I'd anticipated.

My final year is already a bit of a headache and I'm feeling SO overwhelmed, but I'm also strangely excited about the work that's to come. That probably sounds a bit weird, but I've always loved my course and that hasn't changed despite the amount of stuff on my shoulders. Being in college is great. I love the atmosphere of the place, even though it's a pretty small building. I get along with practically everybody in my class. There are very few people I have absolutely no time for (and I avoid them completely, so it's grand). Luckily, the bitchiness that characterised the first year or two has pretty much gone. That's not to say that there aren't people who get on everybody's nerves, ask stupid questions, talk about others behind their backs, shoot dirty looks across the classroom or whatever. But those people aren't really being entertained anymore, which is good. We're all growing up, I guess (okay not all of us!).

The fashion in college has been pretty impressive. K and L (the two best-dressed in my class, I believe) look awesome as always, in on-trend sparkles, ankle boots and denim, and vintage with a twist respectively. O has been mixing oversized and tight stuff together to great effect. Saz, of course, has been her usual funky, mod ballerina self. She and I went shopping during a three hour break on Thursday and I got new, grey skinny jeans and a pink Criminal Damage dress (because they've finally opened a shop in Dublin downstairs in Arnotts - I'll never leave!), both of which I LOVE. I still need a winter jacket and some more woollen stuff for winter. I really want a short leather jacket too, but I just can't afford any of that now. I have very little money, but new clothes are difficult to resist. Sometimes I buy em instead of lunch!

I got through Scott Pilgrim volume 5 on the bus in and out this week. It's not a particularly long read, but I was dragging it out because I really didn't want it to end! It was great, albeit kind of sad. The emo has compared me to Ramona (main character's girlfriend) a lot, even though her actions in this book weren't the nicest. I love her, though. I think she's cool and mysterious and really different to most girls, let alone female comic book characters (who usually have big tits and do nothing). She's been broken down by evil ex-boyfriends and she's still dealing with a lot of shit from her past while trying to have a healthy relationship with Scott. I like her a lot. But I like him a lot too, and he reminds me of the emo in his sweet, caring, fun-loving, laidback attitude. I don't know if I can wait till January for the final instalment...

My college playlist, so far, has been quite varied. Since I've been reading newspapers, magazines and, of course, Scott Pilgrim on the bus in, I've just been switching on playlists and playing them through. I've still had lots of Slipknot and Radiohead of course, along with the usual angry shit too. Honourable mentions go to Dead Memories (Slipknot), Party in the USA (live) (Miley Cyrus), What Goes Around (Alesana), My Plague (Slipknot), Strawberry Gashes (Jack Off Jill), Weekend (The Birthday Massacre), Spellbound (Siouxsie and the Banshees), etc, etc... I think I'd die without music. I find it so hard to function without it. I nearly always have music on, songs in my head.. Maybe I'm a bit mental. Oh well.

There has been a lot of discussion about the Lisbon Treaty lately, but I'm not terribly bothered sticking my oar in here because no matter which way one chooses to vote, somebody has a problem with it. So I'm not giving away which way I'm voting. Ha!

Urgh I'm so exhausted.. I was only out once this week, for my brother's 18th which happened to fall on the same day as that Arthur's Day crap. After dinner, he, my father and I ended up in a bar called "Thomas Read's" (near my fave gay bar, which my Dad refused to go to) drinking the night away and watching the bands on a big screen. It turned out to be a pretty good night, despite the fact I was in massive heels, my sister freaked out in Temple Bar because of the broken glass and drunken people everywhere, my Dad bitched about my mother drunkenly and I was up at 6 the next morning. A good night all round. In general.

And now I have to go work on my first presentation of the year, which is auf Deutsch. The games have definitely begun.


Song of the day: Metallica - Seek and Destroy.

Let the games begin

So, my final year began yesterday. That is to say I had one German class yesterday, and then today had one class about the dreaded dissertation, but either way it has begun! So far, it's been really good fun and really overwhelming at the same time. It's been great to see everybody again and hanging out with Saz every day is awesome. But the work is already piling up and I'm starting to get a bit worried. I have to get first class honours in this degree, I just have to!

I can't believe this is my final year... It went by so fast and I honestly didn't think I'd get this far. But I'm so glad that I have. I'll probably have more to write in here once the week is over and I've begun to think of dissertation ideas and try to choose between radio and print.. My heart is in print, but radio was great fun last year and really interesting too.. It's a tough one. Still, plenty of time to decide.

Now I have to stop writing and start getting ready for my date with the emo. Oh, there's another decision I have to make. Shit.

I finished Scott Pilgrim number four on the way home today, but I'm reluctant to begin reading the second last one because the final part isn't out till January.. I don't want it to be over!!! Nor do I want to wait for the sixth instalment.

Okay, shower time. Man, I'm interesting.


Song of the day: Radiohead - 15 Step.

Blogging from Wicklow

Yes, that's right, I am currently typing this shit up on the emo's brand new keyboard. In fact, seeing as it was already signed in to his account, I almost posted it on his blog. Wouldn't that have been ridiculously stupid of me?! Funny, though.

I only woke up about twenty minutes ago, despite the fact the emo left me at 8.30AM this morning. My memory is fuzzy, but I seem to remember him telling me he'd turned on the Wii for me so I could play Mario when I woke up...or something along those lines. I did play for a bit, but I've got so far into the game that the levels are becoming near-impossible and so I've given up for now, till he comes home and looks up nerd shit for me about how to beat it.

The house is empty and bright with the sunshine that I can only seem to find out here. I love it so much, it feels so far away from the shit of Dublin city (although I do, obviously, love it there too). Waking up here is great, even when his Mam is around because she gives me tea and compliments my outfit (something my mother rarely does - she usually sighs and says "Lovely" in a very small voice). His parents are away for the week so I've been over here lots, just hanging out, talking shit, fucking, writing (him drawing), playing with his adorable puppy (the only dog I've ever been able to hold)..

It's been a great few days, even despite the oral I had on Tuesday and the fact one of my best friends thought he was about to lose me that same day because of a drunken mistake. Now, if there's one thing I know all about it's mistakes. Especially drunken ones. People don't get an endless supply of chances with me (not anymore, anyway), but at the same time there are certain things that can be more easily forgiven than others. Drunken mistakes, depending on how big, can be forgiven. He was very upset though, rightly so I suppose but it hurt that I was the one causing it.

I went to see Dylan Moran last night, with Scooby, Noodles and Scooby's friend who will remain nameless so that it appears I have a kind of mysterious life when really I don't. He was fucking awesome, one of the best comedians I have ever seen. I tried to think back to when I saw Russell Brand but I couldn't remember if I had laughed more. Dylan Moran was fantastic though, and we were in the third row so we were practically on his lap. Not only was he hilarious, he made a lot of good points about relationships, the difference between men and women, our over-reliance on technology nowadays (he repeatedly asked people in the audience to turn off their cameras/camera phones and simply enjoy). It made me think about stupid fights I've had with significant others, about things I over-reacted to, and others I should've made more of a fuss about. He also made me think about getting older, growing up and accepting things. It was a really positive experience overall, even despite the fact that Scooby sang Green Day songs all the way home!! She's really excited about seeing them. I guess it'll be like her Radiohead (except three gigs in the one week).

While at Dylan Moran, I saw an old friend who I couldn't really say hello to because one of his friends, an ex of mine, is sort of harassing me at the moment. My mother keeps joking that I attract lunatics, because certain men don't seem to be able to let me go. It's strange really, because we don't discuss my personal life very often, but sometimes she can spot something is wrong and that I'm not dealing with as well as I should be.

Anyway, this man is one of those, somebody I dated when I was young who I then tried to have a friendship with despite the fact he always wanted more. I tried for three years after we broke up to be his friend, and yet he always seemed to have something negative to say about me, or some way to fuck me over and make me feel like shit. He ate away at my self esteem during a time I needed it to be high, when I needed support from friends more than ever. So, before I went away, I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. His response was to text and email me ever since, despite the fact I have not replied (save an email from Munich telling him not to contact me - a full five months ago now). It's getting to the stage where I think it's time I changed my number. I'd love to pretend that this will all be over in six months time, but given my experience that would be ridiculously naive.

Maybe my mother is right, maybe I do just attract loonies. Or maybe it's simply that I give people too many chances, or gave rather seeing as experience has taught me never to do that again. Maybe I care too much. Maybe I need to be stronger, I don't know. I'm sick of over-analysing and being made to feel completely heartless for a decision I was forced to make. And I know he's not a bad person, but he needs to grow up and realise that he isn't right about everything, nor is he entitled to everything. I mean, he has a career, a relationship, a house and everything going for him. It's time to move on.

And that is why I couldn't say hello to that person, who I've always loved and thought was awesome. He was wearing a cowboy hat, too, which was just so cool and so...him. It reminds me of a time when he was there for me and made me smile despite the shit I constantly had to go home to. I won't dwell on it though, because shit happens and life isn't always fair.

Man that was depressing.. It really was a fantastic night! I hate how small this city is sometimes, though. Why must we always run into those we don't want to see!?

I'm having dinner with my father tonight, which should be interesting. I'm kind of dreading it, but hopefully my brother will take up most of the conversation going on about his 18th, which is only a couple of weeks away. Shit, that reminds me, the emo's birthday is next weekend and I haven't got his present.. I must look into that...

Time for more Mario!!


Song of the day: The Birthday Massacre - Weekend (I heard this in bed this morning, love this band).

Cardio isn't always a good idea while hungover

I somehow managed to get my assignments done and handed in yesterday, surprisingly enough with one day to spare. I got to catch up with the lads I was in Munich with too, which was pretty cool. The thought of going back to college and actually finishing up my degree is so intimidating, but I'm also really, really excited for it! Plus hanging out with Saz every day again is going to be awesome!

Last night, I was reminded once again that I have the best friends in the world. Seeing as I am skint as hell right now, Tar decided to take me out and get me drunk, no strings attached, so that I could celebrate handing in my assignments in style. I got Noodles in on the act, and seeing as Star was swinging by with her crew, we ended up with a pretty good crowd. Sticky was there, the metal kids (one of whose bracelets I took..oops!), Seamo, etc, etc. It was fucking awesome. We drank the bar dry and danced the night away, and best of all, there was no trouble. Everybody got along and partied, nobody was sick or upset, and everyone went home smiling.

At one point, Noodles and I were reminiscing in the beer garden about an old friend of his (and ex friend of mine). It's a long and boring story, but suffice to say some hard drugs and a few choice words ended a bond between two lads who were once described as being almost like brothers. I described this guy as the Mewes to Noodles' Kevin Smith, a comparison he agrees with without completely understanding what it means (not a big Kev Smith fan). I asked if he missed him and he shrugged. He said he misses the old him. I kind of do too, as much as I hate to admit it. But we all have to grow up some time. I don't know what I'd do if I ever saw him again. It'd be interesting.

There were also a few isolated incidents with somebody coming onto me a bit too strong, which pissed Noodles and Tar off no end. As much as they like to pretend otherwise, they are fiercely protective of me sometimes. They can't really help it, bless them. They tried their best to keep a distance between this dude and I, and they did pretty well for the most part. I felt quite objectified, but I handled it and so did the lads (another example of how fantastic my friends are). It was a slight glitch on an otherwise perfect night.

Noodles and I had the bus home to ourselves, so we had another d&m on the trip. And then we sat outside the emo's house and tried to push each other over until he came out, dripping wet from the shower he'd just had, to pull me inside and have his way with me.

I was annoyed at having to get up this morning and drag my ass into town to see an old friend, but I was so glad I did in the end. It was great to catch up. My mother had a go at me for my walk of shame outfit as soon as I got in the door, but then she fed me (cos apparently I'm looking "...thinner by the minute") so I'll let her away with it.

Now I'm exhausted and regretting that jog I just had... I think it's time to get into bed with some herbal tea. Fuck, I'm such an old woman!


Song of the day: Radiohead - All I Need.