An insight into my complicated life

Noodles only left my place at midday today, and we've been hanging out since Saturday (although there was a sesh that night, so we haven't been alone). We spent Sunday night baked off our faces listening to In Rainbows (what else?) and the Twilight soundtrack (ahem), while eating Jelly Tots. We slept well, of course, cleaned my house lots the following morning and then headed to town for dinner. We ate in the IFI restaurant/bar. He'd never been there before, and was quite impressed with the food. I've lost my appetite lately, I dunno why. I haven't really been able to finish a meal, but what I had was delish anyway. Unfortunately, he brought up my current romantic situation over dessert and tea, and again later on when we were watching The Mighty Boosh in bed with lots of red wine (something we do fairly often, to be honest). He suggested I write a blog about it, so here I am. I'm not really sure where to start though...

Okay, first of all, it is common knowledge to my closest buds that I am currently seeing three people at once (two guys and a girl, all of whom know about each other). I didn't set out to do so, it just sort of happened over the past while and I'm going with the flow, so to speak. I am not invovled in anything serious with any of them, and I feel it necessary to state that I am not whoring myself off, and have friendships with all of them also. I hook up with random people every now and again too, but these three are my favourites, I suppose I'd say, and they're all completely different. I'll use code names to protect their dignity, and also because I don't want to give too much away (not that this blog is widely read or anything haha).

- Star (because of the tattoo on her forearm and her general presence): The first is the girl, hereafter referred to as Star, who I have been involved with for the longest time. I met her early this year and fancied her immediately, although I had to embarrass the shit out of myself to actually get her number off her. She's fun, spontaneous, laidback and incredibly sexy. All of my buds love her (despite what she thinks) and we always have the best time together, especially when we get hammered or stoned and end up in my bed... I saw her on Sunday night for the first time in ages, and the kiss at the end of the date left me aching to drag her home with me. She's going to be a permanent fixture no matter what happens, because we understand each other. She's one of the only people who I could imagine trusting enough to be serious with.

- Dylan (because of the great Dylan Moran, whom he and I bonded over the first time we ever spoke): The second is a guy who I've known for almost three years, hereafter referred to as Dylan, and have been close to for just as much time. I discovered over the summer that he had a crush on me, which came as a huge surprise to me (but not to Saz, who knew all along). Although I was flattered, I didn't think I necessarily felt the same way. That is, until we started hanging out again and I realised that there was something between us after all. It baffles me, because we could not be more different, he's not the type of person I usually go for, we constantly bump heads, and we spend a hell of lot of time arguing...but that makes it more fun in a way. I feel strangely close to him, and I even managed to open up to him the last time we hung out, which is very odd for me. Having said all of that, there is a line that must be crossed and I'm not sure what the repercussions of that would be yet...

- My emo (self explanatory, really): The third is a guy whose arrival came as a complete and total shock to me. I've known him for a while, but he always seemed put off by me because I tend to ask a lot of questions (typical journo), while he wants to sit quietly and maintain an air of mystery. I thought I was pissing him off, but although I didn't fancy him from the beginning, he always fascinated me. We hung out on Halloween night, purely out of circumstance, and chatted lots, but once again I got the distinct impression that I was irritating him (plus he was into somebody else at the time). I didn't hear from him again until the weekend we were in York, over a month later, when I received a text out of the blue that made me smile, despite how offbeat it was. Saz and Niamh thought for sure he was flirting with me, and it continued well into the next week, but I didn't believe it until Frodo told me straight out that he had a crush on me. And then we hooked up. And then he wanted to go out with me, but I just can't right now, and I had to explain the situation with the other two. He took it quite well, and we hung out all last weekend. It was quite weird leaving him on Sunday and then heading off to see Star, and he did admit to being slightly jealous, but I know he's grand. He's most commonly referred to as "my emo" even though he's not actually emo (but does have his nails painted black and quite enjoys pain...) and he really surprised me on Saturday night by comforting me when I really didn't expect him to...

So there you have it, the story so far. I've never done anything like this before and, like I said, it's not something I expected to happen, but I'm really enjoying getting close to three different people, all of whom are fantastic in their own ways, in purely casual, fun circumstances. I think a lot of people are expecting me to choose between them eventually, but I don't see that happening any time soon. Besides, I'm off to Germany in two months, so what would be the point? I'm not complaining about shit being complicated either, because it keeps life interesting!

I can't quite get used to all of this attention, though, as anybody who has attempted to compliment me recently will know. I feel a bit undeserving at times, because I don't know if I'd necessarily want to share the person I liked. But, having said that, now that I'm in this situation, I can finally understand why some people refuse to settle down. I also know that a lot of people do not agree with how I'm currently living my life, but that doesn't bother me in the slightest because I'm happy. I'm honest with the three I'm involved with, too, so it's not a big deal. I would never intentionally hurt any of them either, and I'll do my best to ensure that their feelings are protected, but it's not like people don't know what they're getting themselves into when they get close to me...this shit will fuck you up, remember?!

Song of the day: Combichrist - This Shit Will Fuck You Up (a song most commonly associated with me, and often used to warn people off me!!)

Ferrero fucking Rocher, baby

Thank fuck Christmas is over for another year... Having said that, I have a little Ferrero Rocher perched next to my laptop, so it wasn't a total bust in the end (yes, Santy brought me a box of Ferrero Rocher, amongst other things of course).

Let's see... I worked three days in a row earlier this week, getting up horribly early for each, and shopped till I almost literally dropped (while trying to sort out a certain drama between my emo and two of my male buds) on Monday evening. Then, I stayed over in a guy bud's place (who will remain nameless, but nothing happened!) on Tuesday, but didn't sleep so I was DYING in work on Christmas Eve but, in the end, it was worth it because my man boss acknowledged all of my hard work, and then I had a yummy Chinese dinner with my mad family, complete with drunken taxi ride home with my mam. It was strangely wonderful.

I told my mam and siblings not to wake me up early on Christmas Day, so I didn't actually get up until 10, which was lovely. But then I discovered that my mother knew about my tattoo, and I had to show her, which didn't make her happy... Alas, she softened when she saw me in my short, purple, ra-ra style, strapless, girly-ass Christmas dress. I got the most AMAZING presents too, from DVDs and CDs to clothes, a digital camera, lots of Joker shit, perfume, an FCUK bag filled with cosmetics, books, earrings...and, of course, brand new fetish heels adorned with little pink skulls and bows. I am IN LOVE with them. I refused to take them off until 2AM, despite the excruciating pain I was in (well, they needed to be broken in after all). I was exhausted by the end of it, but it wasn't the worst day in the world after all. And we had great craic. And I got to spend some quality time with my cousin Hannah, who is also one of my favourite people in the world (despite her love for Robert Pattinson).

Now, today was a bit different from the usual Stephens' Day crap, because my siblings and I had to go to my da's new place for dinner. I was dreading it, never really having had a relationship with him when my parents were together, but I must acknowledge that he has been making somewhat of an effort lately, and thus I decided to reciprocate. The car ride over to Kilcock was filled with forced conversation and painful silences, but the dinner turned out to be surprisingly good! Da even managed to get us fucking awesome pressies (The Best of "The Panel" and the complete "Skins" collection, for me!). And, afterwards, we all watched Jumanji together, which is more than we ever did when my parents were together... Great film, actually. So, it was all right in the end. Not too painful or awkward. I was even a little bit sad to see him leave...which is weird...

Tonight is fairly boring, so far. But luckily I have lots of awesome people to keep me entertained. And "Ponderland" is on soon, so I've got that to look forward to as well! This weekend is already shaping up to be fairly busy... I'm going to spend some quality time with my emo tomorrow. I jokingly suggested we watch The Crow (which I got for Christmas - hahaha Santy has a sense of humour, eh?) but he actually seemed quite up for it, so yey! Bring it on! I'm really excited about tomorrow night, too, but I'm not going to divulge my plans because, knowing me, something will go awry and I'll wish I hadn't! Let's just say something was sprung on me and I'm making the most of it! Should be going on a date with Nat on Sunday, too, which will be awesome because I haven't seen her in fucking ages... Life is complicated, but as long as I try to remember who I am and who those I love are, everything else tends to fall into place... That was quite emo!

I don't know what else I've got to say... I'm tempted to have another Ferrero Rocher, but it's already half ten...it seems a bit late to be eating... Noodles just informed me that he picked up the weed for tomorrow, which is awesome because I haven't been stoned in fucking ages! I used to hate it, and a lot of people seem to have a massive problem with it...but once one isn't having joints for breakfast, I don't think it's a big deal. In fact, even those who do have joints for breakfast can be quite a good laugh (Radiohead springs to mind...).

I've eaten another Ferrero Rocher already. Damn it. No more! This Pirates of the Caribbean film is boring me...although I hear Russell Brand is going to be Captain Jack's brother in the next one! Woo! I should go now, cos this is boring and pointless and I've got some 16-year-olds to acquire alcohol for....

Song of the day: Stone Sour - Hell and Consequences (it's just a damn good song, and great for jogging!)

People = shit (sometimes)

Why is nothing ever easy?! I'm so upfront and fucking blindingly honest, that I cannot understand why suddenly, out of nowhere, I am accused of being dishonest, secretive and generally cold. I don't even know why I'm writing this, because I detest the thought of everybody being able to read my mind, but I have to vent or I will go insane...

It's not even the fault of the people who get frustrated with me. Noodles thinks that people just get attached to me, and then hate the thought of sharing me with anybody else (he has admitted in the past to going through such trauma, and was especially, and understandably, upset last Saturday). Unfortunately, I have made the decision not to get into another relationship for a while and, thus, I cannot dedicate myself to just one person. I've spent the last few months learning to love being by myself again, finding myself again, and I'm not ready to give that up yet. There are two main reasons why I don't want to be in a relationship right now;

1. I'm going to Germany in March for six months, so what the fuck would be the point?
2. I love being single far too much!

Unfortunately, it's starting to become a bit too much for a certain person to take, which would be more understandable if I hadn't been so upfront about it from day one. The funny thing is that, even after knowing me for ages, a lot of people still don't seem to understand that I do not hold back when I have a problem. I am not 15 years old, thus I don't feel the need to give people the silent treatment, or send angry text messages, or guilt trip them, or try to "win" the argument. With me, no matter what anybody thinks, I am completely and utterly honest. If I am ever found to be lying or hiding the truth in any way, there is usually a damn good reason for it. For example, my parents will never find out the truth about my sexuality because it is something that I don't feel they need to know about. A lot of people would consider that dishonest, but I see it as necessary. If I end up with a chick in twenty years time, of course I will tell them. But for now, it's none of their business.

I am just so fucking sick and tired of being made to explain myself constantly, especially when the people I surround myself with take me for who I am, and vice versa, and because I genuinely am open and honest with them. I hate that certain people do what they like and expect me to be okay with it, and then turn on me because they don't like the way I'm living my life. I will never forget being told by someone I'd been friends with for years that I had changed and was a bad person. It hurt more that this person could be so fucking stupid than anything else, after knowing about what I've been through (not that that's an excuse for acting like an asshole, but I wasn't at the time either way). But anyway, I forgave that person because holding grudges doesn't make much sense to me...

The worst part about all of this bullshit that's currently going on is that it all sort of culminated today, and for the first time I realised how much simpler it is with certain people, how much easier things are sorted, and a part of me was wondering if it's worth the bother...because I don't know what more I can do... Still, I'm not ready to give up yet because I know who this person is and I know that, underneath it all, we connect...

Once again, I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I don't want anybody to read it and get upset, because I'm not trying to piss anybody off or take shots or anything. If I had been holding back, this would come as quite a shock, but luckily I haven't, so no matter who is reading this, it shouldn't come as any surprise that all of this is spilling out of me so freely...

Song of the day: Paramore - Decode (powerful and emo and brilliant)

This week

I've wanted to write all week, but I just haven't had a fucking second to myself in which to do so! This week was insane. I hopped straight off the plane from York and did the radio show, worked, did some Christmas shopping, finished off my final assignment, handed it in, finished "Twilight", went to see "Twilight", worked more and finally went out last night for Christmas dinner and, of course to get wasted!

However, the most memorable moment of the entire week happened on Tuesday night, upstairs in a grungy tattoo parlour in Temple Bar. Niamh, Saz and I decided to get tattoos in York to commemorate our trip (and also because we are just that fucking impulsive), but everywhere was closed on our final day, so we had to do it when we got home instead. I rang up practically every place in Dublin from the newsroom on Tuesday (while Saz prepared her news broadcast for the day) and finally found a place that could fit us in. I must admit, when we arrived, my heart was in my mouth (especially because I had to go first). I knew what I wanted, an all-black heart on my shoulder. The tattoo artist tried to convince me to get half of it white, because of the pain of shading, but I refused. He asked me if I'd been hurt a lot, if I was a Goth, all the usual crap. I merely stated that it meant a lot to me, and it does. The pain was excruciating, like being sliced open again and again, and twenty minutes into it, my knuckles were white from gripping the chair, and I had tears running down my face. But I didn't care. I am so in love with it, that I cannot even put it into words. I think the tattoo artist put it best when he said that I seem to be made of scars, and that this is a scar that will be there forever. I quite like that analogy. Most people see it as a negative symbol, but for me it's positive. Saz got a tribal heart on her side, and Niamh got a huge tribal rose design on the back of her neck. Both of 'em look fucking awesome. It sounds stupid, but I don't regret it for a second. Life is for living, after all.

I can't believe I'm finished third year. I was dreading going back to college, because I was aware of how much pain and humiliation I was going to feel every day for fuck knows how long. Now that it's over, I cannot believe how well I did. I can't believe I survived. This semester was, by far, my best ever. For the first time, me and Saz weren't being held back, bullied, torn down or depressed. We were free to make friends with practically everyone, get our assignments in on time, go out and have FUN, go for things that we wouldn't normally have had the confidence to go for, etc, etc. We had the best time, and actually felt like we belonged. In the end, it was all worth it and I regret absolutely nothing. There is still shit going around about me (as is evident from Noodles' discussion with a chick from Bray on the Nitelink who has never met me, but has heard a lot...), but I couldn't care less. It's pretty pathetic at this stage. People can choose to believe whatever they want, but it certainly won't affect my life. Roll on Munich!

Last night was my Christmas dinner and drinks with Noodles and Scooby, two of my best buds in the world. Without them, this past year would've royally sucked. I would've been stuck with people who didn't really love me or get who I am, and I certainly wouldn't have had the courage to become the person I am today. I am truly, eternally grateful to them. I was in work yesterday until 3, and afterwards I legged it straight to town, got their presents, went back home, got ready and was back in town for half 7. It was a bit of a mad rush, but once we were sitting in Wagamamas with the conversation, wine and pressies flowing, I was grand. The food was amazing, and Noodles and I had naggins afterwards so we were well on our way before we made it to the bar.

Scooby was a bit down, because unfortunately there was a death in her family this week. I didn't really know what to say, I kinda suck in these situations, but I was there for her anyway. She headed home at 11 and we didn't force her to stay, because we understood that sometimes one just needs to wallow in that shit feeling. We met Frodo and Pingu (LOL) in the pub and proceeded to get absolutely wasted. I've been texting and MSNing P all week, and I wasn't sure whether he fancied me or was just weird like that, but once Frodo told me he did, I was terrified, thus glad of the amount of alcohol I had had! The other two left us alone (very obviously I might add) and we ended up hooking up during fucking "Last Christmas" which was cheesy, but will be a great memory forever more. And then we were hooking up the whole night and holding hands like a mad emo couple!! It was sweet and really good fun, but I was glad to be going home alone. I wish I could just settle into a relationship, but sadly that's the absolute last thing that I want right now. It sucks, cos I've got three people who really want to be with me (four counting one of my best buds, five counting the one who thinks we're meant to be together) and I love them all in different ways, but I couldn't devote myself purely to one... It just doesn't make sense to me right now, especially with Germany and all. It makes me feel like such a bitch sometimes because, even though I'm upfront about everything, I don't want anyone getting hurt. At the same time, this is the first time I'm getting a chance to do what I want. And it feels fantastic. I don't want to stop...being single is fucking awesome (although Scooby is way more of a player than I am)! Being over that stupid crush I had is great too, especially because he still thinks I want his pants!

I don't know what else I really have to say... This post is really long anyway, so I should probably stop soon. Man, I fucking love my tattoo...but I'm still in shock that I even got one... "Twilight" was a bit of a disappointment. I finished the book in four days so I could go see it, but Robert Pattinson kind of ruined it for me. I cannot fathom what everybody else sees in him! Well, that and the fact that I only recently discovered that the book is a metaphor for abstinence... Still, I think I'll see it again just to give it a fair go. And start the second book in the meantime, of course. I was in the queue in Asha, buying T-shirts for Noodles and Scooby, and this emo kid behind me was going on about Paramore and "Twilight". Not only did I feel about a hundred years old, I also felt like such a sap because me and Saz went to see Paramore last June and are obsessed with Hayley Williams, not to mention the aforementioned over-zealous interest in "Twilight" (we saw it the day it opened, at 11AM), a book aimed at 14-year-olds. Alas, at least we have the fact that we still look about 16 on our sides!

And with that happy thought in mind, I will end this post and head to my leaba. Busy day tomorrow, what with work and getting my Christmas dress (which my mother insisted on), shopping for pressies, etc, etc. I will be so glad when this week is over. I fucking hate Christmas.

Song of the day: Wham! - Last Christmas (of course)

Fish and chips

What a fucking day...what a fucking few days, actually! I hopped off the plane from York today and ran (yes, ran) to college to do my radio show with Ian, only to be informed that it would be on an hour later than previously intended. My boss was highly unimpressed, but I wasn't going to skip my show for the world. My course is insanely competitive, and it's difficult to even get one shot to prove oneself, so the most has to be made of it when such a chance is given. Anyway, the show went really, really well and I got such a buzz off it, even though I was TERRIFIED. But, I realised afterwards that it was a good kind of fear, an adrenaline rush much like the one I experience right before I get a new piercing. We made lots of mistakes, and had to improv quite a bit, but overall I thoroughly enjoyed it (as did Saz, who was probably our only listener). I'll admit that Ian and I got on each other's nerves from time to time, what with the paper and the radio show, but in the end, we made one hell of a team and he was really, really good fun to work with.

Now, on to my mad trip to York. It turns out that a shitload of people thought I was going to New York for the weekend, not the most haunted town in England (what fun trivia!) but, although it was random, we actually had a fantastic time. I didn't really know Niamh too well beforehand, and I was worried I might end up third wheeling it because her and Saz are so close, but the three of us ended up having the best craic. We went out on Saturday night to this club called Darklands, that we saw advertised on the door of a tattoo parlour, and it turned out to be a hardcore goth club! I was a bit worried that they'd be annoyed by the music (I, of course, was in my element dancing to bands like Siouxsie, The Sisters of Mercy and Bauhaus) but once we had a few "house doubles" in us, we were dancing the night away. There was even a lock in at the end and we got chatting to everybody, including a couple in their forties who I wish were my parents.

Naturally enough, I dragged the two of 'em to the York Dungeons on Sunday morning. We were too enthusiastic to get picked out for any of the scary shit, though, but it was such a laugh! Afterwards we went shopping and I made them promise to make me buy something girly (because I'd already bought three oversized boys' T-shirts) and, eventually, I settled on a skirt in Topshop (yup, Topshop) and a dress in H&M. Madness really, when I think back on it... We ended up in bed early that night to be up at 7 this morning, but the trip was fucking awesome anyway. One of the best things about York was the fucking fantastic, proper fish and chips that we had. It was the first thing I ate when we arrived, and I proudly proclaimed it was "well good", which of course became a running joke, much like the words "Ta" and "innit" being used at every single opportunity. I also caved and bought a copy of that emo vampire novel, "Twilight" and am now glued to it (there goes my final assignment).

Today was fairly rough, to be honest. I legged it in and one of my favourite people in the whole world, who was stressed out of it in fairness, decided to just treat me like shit for the entire day. In the beginning, I kept trying to be sweet to him, because I understood where he was coming from, but I'm sorry to say that after a couple of hours I ran out of patience. I just wanted to dissolve into tears, which is pathetic, but I was under an awful lot of pressure at the time, not to mention sleep deprived and exhausted. The truth is, I feel strangely close to this guy, for reasons that only a couple of my closest friends know about, and I was really looking forward to seeing him because he always makes me feel...pretty and cared for and...dare I say it...slightly girly... I don't get that from a lot of lads (most just treat me like one of them, which I love, but still) and I guess it just sucked on top of everything else, especially because I really did leg it to college straight from the airport, which an awful lot of people wouldn't bother doing. It sucks, too, because I am so in awe of him. Anyway, I held it all in till the show was finished (because being professional means a lot to me), but when he tried to talk to me as I was leaving, I just muttered something about work and ran for it. I had tears streaming down my face the entire way to the bus stop, but I made sure I got rid of the evidence before I reached work. I detest showing weakness.

I don't know why I'm writing any of this down, except that it feels like an odd sort of release. I cannot wait to wear something new tomorrow. I cannot wait to hang with Saz and discuss the finer details of our trip. I cannot wait to lie in bed and listen to Radiohead and cry my eyes out, because I am that tired and that pissed off and that emo. Speaking of which, I cannot resist Edward Cullen any longer (although Robert Pattinson is still fairly lacking in my eyes)....

Song of the day: Slipknot - Vermilion (it seemed to fit the mood of my book on the drive to Leeds airport, when I was staring out at the passing landscape and just thinking, but it also spoke to me on the bus ride to and from work, when I was falling apart like a spa...)

My head feels like it's going to fall off

As predicted, last night was absolutely fucking EPIC!!! We were all hammered, but there was no trouble or fights or anything so it was grand (although someone, who will remain nameless, got sick on the stairs in Charlie's just after I left). Three people came who I haven't hung out with since Halloween and we ended up having the best time. The dancing was particularly memorable, especially because the music kicked major ass. The DJ even played "Just", which naturally enough, totally made my night! According to some of my best friends, not a day goes by that I don't mention my neverending love for Radiohead...they're getting pretty bored with it, but I can't stop! I'm even listening to Radiohead right now. Ahem.

Anyway, last night was pretty much drama free. Someone turned up and tried to get a reaction out of me by staring from across the room (as this person so often does) but, at the time, I was having too much fun to even notice. And when my buds informed me of it this morning, I laughed because I honestly don't know what else I can do at this stage. This person also said hello to two of my friends later on that night, which doesn't surprise me because it's happened countless times before, but it's quite ridiculous because they were never friends and won't ever be either (although it's better than trying to convince them that I am evil, fake, and not worth their time, as said person has done before on many occasions). I don't know why this shit is still going on, but I guess I'm just going to have to keep dealing with it. It's only really a mild annoyance at this stage, but honestly...I don't know... Sometimes I want to tear my hair out because I know that don't deserve any of this, but at the same time I'm quite glad of it because it has made me a stronger person, and will continue to do so in the long run. I sound like one of those fucking lecturers on self esteem. Fuck. It does break my heart every now and again, though, I must admit. But what can I do only keep going?

I was fairly drunk last night, but I was at that lovely, fun stage when there's no fear and life is fantastic and one's body is numb, as opposed to being ill or angry or upset. I woke up sick and Saz informed me she was staying in bed, but I went into college anyway and I was grand. There are some truly awesome people on my course, whom I'm only getting the chance to get to know now. It's great!

I think I've found my Christmas dress, and it's purple which will make my mother very happy indeed, but I don't know for sure yet if it's 'the one'. I read Kerrang! over lunch and discovered that "All Hope Is Gone" (Slipknot's most recent album) was voted the best AND worst album of '08 by the readers. I found it hilarious, as did Corey Taylor, who made the point that being loved and hated at once means that one is doing something right. That actually really made sense to me, surprisingly enough, because I feel like that a lot of the time. I'm sooooo excited to see Slipknot again next summer, especially because the pits are going to be mental!

Off to York tomorrow, for some unknown reason. I have my suitcase sort of half packed, lying open on my bed, but I'm too lazy to finish it off. I got home early today so I went running, but I feel so sore and my energy levels are at an all time low. I should have had a can of Red Bull earlier, come to think of it. I cannot believe that I am getting up at 6:15AM on a Saturday! Having said that, it can't possibly be any worse than getting up at that time this morning after heading to bed at 3AM... I still haven't located my fishnets, actually...shit... I must remember to buy a new pair when I'm in York. And now I'm rambling about nothing! Fantastic!

I have to head to bed at 10 tonight, which sucks because I'm looking after my little sis and whenever I do that, we usually hang out and do fun girly things (which I kinda suck at, but still). But tonight all we're going to get to do is watch "Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging" (woo, hardcore!) before I have to go to bed - it sucks! Alas, that is life. I'm going to have to drink another twenty cups of tea if I'm to stay awake for the next two hours. Holy shit, I'm going to bed in two hours...I'm so old...

I really, really hope this fucking plane doesn't get delayed on Monday....or Eric is going to kill me...slowly....

Song of the day: Apocalyptica feat Corey Taylor - I'm Not Jesus

Before I go out and get hammered

I figured that I might as well write something in here while I am still coherent, given that in a matter of hours, hopefully, I will be drunk off my face. It's not that I go out and get pissed every night, or even every week for that matter, but there are certain times when there is nothing I like doing more than getting hammered with some of my favourite people and seeing where the night takes me (although hopefully not to Wicklow again...urgh). Tonight, we are heading to one of our favourite Dublin pubs (which will remain nameless). We used to frequent the place on a weekly basis, but that was before we grew up and began sampling everything else that this fantastic city has to offer. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with going to this particular pub every week without fail, it's just not something that I like doing anymore. Over the past few weeks, it's become increasingly apparent to me that I am in a completely different place to where I was this time last year - and I couldn't be happier. There is a certain group of people who, for all intents and purposes, are completely and utterly two-faced, and I am sorry to say that I once desperately wanted to be a part of it - I even compromised who I was for quite a while to fit in with them. But we all have to grow up some time, and one of the most difficult things I've had to do over the past six months is learn to love myself, no matter what others think (although obviously, if my friends tell me that I'm behaving like an asshole, I generally stop!). I hope that particular group of people aren't there tonight, actually. I hate the fake hugs, from one of them in particular, who I know openly hates me behind my back. I'll never understand why people bother doing that, because at our age it just is completely pathetic to me.

Now, the pub we are heading to tonight is fairly infamous, whether one lives in Dublin or some backwater place in the arse end of nowhere. It's public opinion that the only way to enjoy it is under the influence of either drugs or alcohol, or both. It is a shithole and a haven, where I have been started on, threatened, felt up, badmouthed, beaten up, fucked off my face on pills and, naturally, hammered. It is a place where a lot of blazing rows have taken place, a fair amount of tears have been shed and more than one heart has been broken. Having said all of that, it also holds, and will continue to hold forever, a special place in my heart and I will sorely miss it when I head to Germany next year. It seems crazy to be saying all of this, when so much bad shit has happened there, but I really do love the place. I'll never forget when me and Noodles introduced Scooby to it, and she was so amazed that such a place even existed without her having visited it before. It is truly a mindfuck, and the people there are some of the most subversive (and conformist) that this fair city has to offer. Now that I'm writing all of this, I cannot wait to go! Hopefully there won't be any drama though, but there hasn't been much of that since we moved on from certain assholes who always managed to ruin our night no matter how much fun we were having...

I am also glad to be going out because I got my hair done today, which for most people is a pleasure and a treat, but for me is the very definition of the phrase "No pain, no gain" (emphasis on the word 'pain'). My trips to the hairdresser usually last between one and a half to three hours (the longest was eight hours, when I first decided to lift all of the blue, green, purple and red from my hair and bleach it entirely). A significant amount of that time is spent sitting in a chair, writhing from the pain and trying desperately not to scratch the uncontrollable itchiness of my scalp, while pretending to flick through 'Heat' and praying that someone will drop a copy of 'Vogue' in my lap. I also have to go through treatments to make my hair less like straw. The place I go to is unspeakably fancy, and I stick out like a sore thumb in my drainpipes and Cons, amidst all of the couture and Christian Louboutins. But everyone is really friendly, mainly because they know my mother, and as long as I chat and smile my way through it, I'm usually grand. It's all worth it in the end though, except that I know Saz is going to rip the piss out of me tomorrow for looking like either Lucius Malfoy or Heidi Montag, or a mad amalgamation of the two.

That was probably boring as fuck. That is, if anyone besides Scooby and Noodles actually reads this shit... I should probably get dressed soon, if I'm to do naggins beforehand with Noodles. I hope it's not too cold and/or wet... Bring on the drinking!

Song of the day: The Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams (it made my smile when I heard it in the hairdresser).

Not bothered with my assignment

I should really be doing one of my many assignments, but I could not be bothered. I've been working on it non-stop for the past three hours and I can't take a proper break until 8, so I figured I'd kill time between now and then by writing about whatever the hell pops into my head here.



Let's see... Yesterday was quite an awesome day. Saz and I distributed the paper in the lashing rain, but it was worth it because we met some of the most down to earth, friendly, nice, genuine Dubliners that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. One man, who runs the local fruit and veg shop, even gave us a load of free grapes because we were so famished and exhausted by the time we got to him. It was a simple, genuine act of kindness and it's something that I, unfortunately, haven't experienced in as long as I can remember. For a complete stranger to want to do something nice for me, selflessly and for no reason other than to do so, is just amazing to me. It was so touching, and I had a big smile on my face for the rest of the day, even though I was exhausted and dragging poor Saz along because she can't really keep up with the speed I generally walk at... I took her for a massive lunch though, afterwards, because my grant money finally came through and I felt in the mood to be generous. The food was slightly too weird for her, but we were full and happy by the end of the meal.



After she went home, I shopped by myself for a couple of hours, which is something I wouldn't have had the courage to do a year ago, but now is a bit of a treat for me. I was buzzing with the atmosphere of the city, which is infectious even though I fucking hate Christmas (it's going to be even worse this year, because I have to split my time between my mother and father, but hopefully there will be lots and lots of vodka to numb me). I ended up spending more money than I intended, but I didn't care because I bought clothes that I absolutely fell in love with, that I know I'll wear again and again. Besides, I haven't had money to spend in what seems like forever, because a huge chunk of what I make has to be put aside for my hair (and another large amount goes towards my highly active social life). I did feel kind of bad though, given that it's so close to Christmas, but I know I'm going to spend way more on presents for the people I love anyway.



That night, my bud Noodles came over with two bottles of Merlot, a share size Galaxy bar and a bag of jelly penguins who we delighted in beheading and swallowing whole. We got slightly drunk and watched two of my favourite films of all time (neither of which he had seen before), Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Superbad. Naturally, we were in stitches at about 2AM and had a decent enough chat before I fell into a short-lived slumber (he woke me up at 6AM to open the window). I had some mad dreams about a variety of people, including another one of my guy friends who I can't decide whether I fancy or not. I see him all the time, and we tend to rip the piss out of each other a lot (which I love), and he's quite handsome in a sort of a Dylan Moran/that Irish lad from the IT Crowd kinda way, but I still don't know whether or not I'd want to kiss him or fuck him or whatever. There was a moment last Tuesday, when I was exhausted and weeping silently after staring at a computer screen for four hours and also being totally stressed, when he hugged me and held me close and told me it was going to be okay, that I was doing a great job, etc. I felt so safe and loved, but that really terrified me and I pulled away before anything happened. The terror gripped me, like it does with everyone when one knows that a kiss is imminent, but we were interrupted and nothing actually happened. I sort of ran off after that, and consequently spent the rest of the week thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. It's not like I want a relationship, or need one for that matter, but I do miss the feeling of kissing someone I really like (and all of the other stuff that comes with it). When I was only newly single, this chick told me that, in order to survive, I would have to learn to sleep with someone, cuddle that person or whatever I needed afterwards and then make sure to get rid of him/her in the morning and never see him/her again. In her head, that is what being single is all about, but in mine it's not. I have hooked up with random people over the past few months, not to mention the fact that I'm still seeing the chick I really, really like, but that random stuff doesn't really do it for me in the long run. In the end, isn't having a fuck buddy who is a friend, who one trusts and fancies but doesn't necessarily want to date, better than sleeping around and refusing to feel anything? After all, the one guy who took me out properly this summer turned out to not be half the man he proposed to be (not a bad guy overall, just not the nicest either). My one regret of the entire summer, or year for that matter, is not kissing the one guy I actually had a connection with. Having said that, he's a damn good friend and it's not as if things are weird between us or anything. I just keep going back to that night, and it terrifies me because I start to wonder whether I would go for it with someone I liked, or if I'm too scared.



I don't know where that all came from. One of these days, I'm going to stop being such a little shit and actually admit to having proper, genuine feelings for someone. But until that time, there are lots of hot men and women in this city that I am only too happy to kiss on the dancefloor of some random bar, intoxicated or otherwise, until I finally find the one who gives me butterflies.



Song of the day: Radiohead - No Surprises

Newsroom ramblings

I've decided to write this entry in our newspaper font, because as of today, I am no longer joint editor. The paper is done and printed, and will be distributed tomorrow. It sounds crazy, but I can't believe it's over so soon... Who would've thought that Ian (major D4-head but totally sound guy) and I would work so well as a team? We are, for all intents and purposes, complete opposites. And when we were paired up together, not only for the newspaper but presenting a radio show too, people were a little bit sceptical. But we work strangely well together, and I think this is the best damn issue of the paper that our class did overall! I'm exhausted, but I could probably do another couple of weeks if needs be... I don't want it to be over! I was having such a great time! One of our lecturers absolutely ripped it to pieces, though. But I don't even mind because I am so fucking proud of it...

Now I am sitting in the empty newsroom, with only Saz and the hum of computers as company. It's oddly calm, but I'm not complaining because we've barely had time to just sit and chat all week. We're in stitches over the photos from last week, but as usual she thinks she looks like shit in them. I keep telling her that she's insane. In reality, she's way better looking than me but she's been made to feel for much of her life, in the same way I have, that she isn't good enough and belongs in the background. This, of course, is ridiculous. She's fucking stunning! I just wish she could see what everybody else sees (although that has been said to me in the past too). Anyway, we're killing time until dinner in our very fashionable canteen (three quid for chips and beans!). Then we're going to see our bud Eric's play. He's so fucking talented. He wrote one that was performed last year too and it was amazing. I'm dying to see this one. My writing kind of pales in comparison, but I love it too much to give it up. I wish I had written more for this issue of the paper actually, come to think of it. All of my friends are so talented and creative and amazing to me. It's bizarre, being surrounded by so much art. I almost feel slightly undeserving.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, because I haven't really got a whole lot to say. Life is kind of passing by in a blur. Ever since August, I've been counting down to the day when I will no longer have to endure the pain and humiliation of seeing the man I once loved every day. Now that it's finally near, I cannot contain my excitement. Finally, I will be free! That's not to say that I have been in mourning, or giving much thought to it (not anymore, anyway) but it will be nice to finally get away from him. A kind of release, really. Although it does break my heart that we cannot get past this, but I doubt I'd ever be able to forgive him...

Okay, no more downers! Life is actually pretty good right now. I am heading off to Yorkshire next weekend for some random reason, with one of my best buds and a rather awesome friend of hers. I can't wait to get out of this city, even though I'm totally in love with it. Although I do wish we were going to London. I can't wait for Munich either. March cannot come quickly enough! I must get lots of college work done this weekend...and I have a million people to catch up with... Fuck! So much to do!

I am getting seriously hungry....

Song of the day: Dead Memories - Slipknot (this song says more than I ever could)

Still awake (only just)

I am sitting in my kitchen as I write this, my mind clogged up with what feels like years of events. It's almost as if my entire life is dictated by words, and yet, I find the most comfort in them also. It's bizarre. Work was fairly boring this evening, but I could barely stand up because I am so utterly exhausted. I had planned on being in bed at ten o'clock, lulled (hopefully) into a sweet slumber by the strains of whatever Radiohead album happens to be in my CD player today (I think it might be OK Computer, but I can't be sure). Unfortunately, I have yet another lot of work to do before I even think about climbing under the covers and letting my aching body rest. And I have a million things running through my mind too. I ended up apologising to people whom I have been short with recently, and receiving either no response, or a simple shrug as if it meant nothing to begin with. I find it incredible that what seems like the most heartless thing in the world can be forgiven in a moment by a friend who knows me well...or maybe those people didn't care much to begin with... I still cannot figure out those I want to the most. I still like the same guy and the same girl that I have done all summer, and although I like both of them equally, there is something undeniably entrancing about one of them that just makes me feel like a spa no matter what I do or say...and so I am sitting here, wondering whether or not I'm even going to get to sleep tonight, or if I will in fact toss and turn with only Thom Yorke's voice and the knowledge of the slowly passing minutes to soothe me... If all else fails, I suppose I'll just end up writing for the night...

My head is splitting

Strange that I should be typing my very first blog entry from the newsroom on one of the most stressful days of my college career so far. I've been sitting in this same spot since 10AM and I only left it at 7PM last night. I'm not complaining, though, because, for all intents and purposes, I'm doing what I love.

For the past half hour, it was just me and the girl I have been avoiding speaking to for the entire semester. The sob story is tired at this stage and I am so sick of telling it, but let's just say that this year has not been easy for me. And I know there are people who are waiting with bated breath for me to fail. I won't. Well, I haven't so far. A lot of people doubt my abilities, but I thoroughly enjoy proving them wrong.

I was wondering whether I'd taken on too much, what with editing the paper, presenting the radio show, all of my assignments, work, etc, etc, but now I know that I haven't. For some bizarre reason, I seem to be able to handle it all. I have no idea how, but I can. I'm like a machine, in a way. Although, I'm kind of running on empty at the moment.

I am exhausted and I want to dissolve into tears, but I just can't right now. I have to keep working. I would love to get stoned or take a nap to In Rainbows or something, but unfortunately all of those are but a fantasy. After this, I have to go straight to work and then home to study. I promised I would put photos up on Bebo and I haven't even had five minutes to do that yet. I promised I would do a lot of things, actually. I wish I were going out and getting hammered, but given how messily that ended last week, maybe it wouldn't be the best idea. I am still covered in cuts and bruises, but it was so worth it...

That was one of the best nights out I've had in a long time, and it was mainly because of the people I was with, as opposed to the insane amount we drank. It's still coming back to me in flashbacks, and although I have good reason to be embarrassed, I'm not. I was made to feel like I should be, but I am so tired of making excuses for who I am and how I act. The people who know me understand, they get why I'm like this, and for that reason alone I don't feel the need to justify anything anymore. If I fuck up, as I so often do, I make up for it and try my best not to do it again. There are certain people in my life who I desperately want to protect from any harm, but I know that I can't. It doesn't stop me from trying, though.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, or what I'm rambling about. I should stop this and get back to work. I should text and call and catch up and apologise and bitch and bullshit and a million other things...but I don't know whether or not I have the time... Life's funny like that.

My song of the day is;
Radiohead - There There